Though You Take From Me...

To say that the past couple of weeks have been hard is a massive understatement. They have been gut wrenchingly hard.

I woke up Monday, September 16th to an email from the US Department of Homeland Security saying our I-800A (our request to adopt from a Hague nation) was being approved that day! This was great news! While I was excited about it, I instantly began to feel anxious. 

Since early June, we have been waiting for the official referral documents for K, K and R to be sent to us so that we could proceed with our adoption process. Our dossier along with the girls’ CSRs (Child Study Report) have been in the authorities’ office waiting for them to put our match into the computer system and send us the documents to sign. For months our agency and the director of the orphanage have been asking for this to be done. We were told it would be done and that there was no problem causing the delay. 

During this time, we were patient. There was no risk (that we were aware of) of losing the referral so it was just a matter of waiting. We were still waiting on our I-800A approval, so we weren’t losing any time by waiting for these documents, but as soon as that approval came, the clock started ticking. Every day that passed without those documents moving was a day that our adoption process was delayed... a day added to K, K and R being orphans. So yes, I was anxious.

On Thursday, September 19th, we received a call from our agency director. In the adoption world, calls from your agency tend to be accompanied by either really good news or really bad news. This call was accompanied by the latter. 

To make a long story short, while we were waiting for our match to be made official, the girls’ referral was presented to another American family... the other family accepted. For us, this means that we lost the referral for K, K and R. Lance has asked repeatedly if there is anything we can do, but we have been told that our only option is to grieve this loss and wait for another referral. 

We are heartbroken. We are confused. We are discouraged. It’s so hard to explain how hard this is (especially to those who are unacquainted with the roller coaster of adoption), but our pain and grief is real. For seven months our family has loved, prayed for and anticipated these precious little ones as our daughters/sisters, and they will never come home to us. An adoption miscarriage, if you will.

Despite our pain, there are several things we are confident of... 

We are confident that we made the right decision in saying “yes” to these girls. We have no doubts about this. We know 100% that God led us down this road... we just don’t know why. We trusted that God would lead us and that he would open and close doors as he willed. Up until this point, we have witnessed God open doors and move mountains in ways that only he can, but now he has chosen to close the door and lead us down another path. We have disappointment but no regrets. This is part of our journey, and K, K and R will forever hold a piece of our hearts.

We are confident that God is in control of all things and while this was a shock to us, it was not a shock to God. We believe God is a good and loving Father, and we trust that he will not fail us, nor will he fail these little girls. We know that God has a plan for our good and, more importantly, for his glory. While we may not ever understand why he led us down this path only to close the door, we know that his plan is far better than anything we could ever hope for. We can trust him despite our pain and disappointment.

We are confident that Christ is enough, that he is our sufficiency and our hope. Though God has taken from us, we will continue to praise him for he is worthy. No one else can satisfy us as he does. No one else can comfort us as he does. "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

How could this happen? Well, unfortunately, in the world of adoption, the loss of referrals is not uncommon. Sometimes families lose referrals within a couple of weeks of receiving them. Sometimes families lose referrals at the very end of the process. Sometimes families lose referrals more than once during their adoption journey. We are not unique. Adoption is a really complicated process, and there are so many different factors involved. An adoption without delays, setbacks or disappointment is rare. We took a risk in loving these girls knowing that nothing would be final or official until they were in our arms. It was a risk we were willing to take and we will take that risk again because we believe God has called us to adoption.

So, where do we go from here? Lance and I have discussed with our agency how we want to proceed with our adoption. We have returned to our request for 1-2 little girls. But right now, we can’t even fathom receiving another referral, and I’m pretty sure we won’t have to worry about that for a while. Things are moving VERY slowly in [country in Asia] so it could easily be a year or more before we receive another referral. At that point we would have to consider if we want to accept it or wait for another one. We have nothing left to do (formally) but wait. In the meantime we will continue to fundraise which will include doing a Both Hands Project the first weekend in December. 

Speaking of fundraising, there is one bright spot in this situation... none of our money was lost, so we still have $21,000 (thanks to all the wonderfully generous people who have helped us raise these funds) that will still go toward our adoption. We will most likely NOT be matched with another sibling group of three in the future, so this means our funding goal just dropped from $60,000 to just under $50,000 if we are matched with two girls. If we are matched with one little girl, our funding goal will drop to about $35,000.

How can you help us while we work through this loss? First off, you can pray for us. There is a hand full of people who have already been praying for us about this situation and I believe those prayers are being felt. God has given us a blanket of peace over the pain. So, continue covering our whole family and this situation in prayer... Pray that God would continue to give us peace and help us to trust him as we take steps in the dark. Pray that God would comfort our sons, Brayden and Asher, who have loved these girls as sisters and are going through the grieving process just as Lance and I are. Pray for K, K and R and their future family. Pray that they will get home quickly and that it will be a Christ-centered home. Pray for their transition and for things to go well once they get home. Pray for our future children wherever and whoever they are. Pray that the Lord will be merciful and allow the process to go more quickly than we expect. Pray for the director of our agency as she is under quite a bit of stress right now with so many families stuck in the new system. Pray that God would give her strength and wisdom to serve all of her families well.

Secondly, while we TRULY welcome and appreciate your support and encouragement, when you see us in person, please be conscientious about how you approach the matter, especially around our boys. Please forgive us if we don’t elaborate or if we seem quick to change the subject. Right now emotions are still pretty raw (particularly for me). Hugs are AWESOME!

As we move forward with our adoption, Lance and I will be more cautious with our hearts in many ways. Just as parents who suffer a physical miscarriage may not share future pregnancies until they have reached the 2nd trimester, we will likely not share about future referrals until we have the NOC (which is the document that basically says “This is your child!”). Therefore, I probably won’t have any adoption updates for quite some time.

Lance and I want to thank all of you who have prayed for us, supported us and blessed us. We are forever grateful that you are a part of our adoption journey. The outpouring of love and support that we have already received in the last two weeks has been so helpful. So, thank you... 

The words of this song really touched me a few weeks back. Maybe God was beginning to prepare my heart.

What I Didn't Know

So it’s been a full year since we announced we were planning to adopt. It’s been 9 months since we started our home study. I can’t believe how fast it’s flown by! So what has my first year as an “adoptive momma” looked like? Ha! Well, let’s just say there were a lot of things I didn’t know this time last year...

I didn’t know how emotional I was until we started this process. I have done a lot of crying this past year. Happy tears, amazed tears, humbled tears, scared tears, angry tears, heartbroken tears, thankful tears, depressed tears... you name it and I’ve cried over it. Good grief adoption can turn a woman into a hot mess fast! And apparently my cries are not limited to my own situations. I cry over other people’s, too... even people I’ve never met. Who cried over a random adoption blog post while sitting in a parking lot three days ago? *raises hand*

I didn’t know we were in for more than we bargained for. If you had asked me what I thought about people who adopted three siblings at one time, I would have responded with “Three? As in 1-2-3? Yeah those people are crazy. We are crazy for wanting two, but those people? Yeah, they aren’t just crazy... they are bat poop crazy!” Us adopting three little girls? No. Freaking. Way. Shut. Up!! Yeah, we definitely got more than we bargained for!

I didn’t know the spiritual forces of evil would hate us so much. When we had our major theological shift toward reformed theology, back in 2009, it was a huge pendulum swing. Without realizing it, I really pushed away from the super sensitivity to the spiritual realm that I was accustomed to growing up. I’m not saying that I didn’t believe in spiritual warfare, but more that I just wasn’t concerned with it. I believe this was an error on my part. Lance and I have been under constant spiritual assault since two days before we first saw those three little faces. We’ve had attacks from almost every direction. Satan certainly hates adoption. 

I think if I could give only a few pieces of advice to people starting out the adoption process, one of them would be to prepare for spiritual battle... pray over your family, pray over your home, pray over your finances, pray over your relationships, pray for your future adopted children, pray! On top of that, memorize scriptures so that when you face these attacks you can remind yourself to “Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.” (Eph 6:10-18)

I didn’t know that God would provide. I hoped that he would, but I don’t think I fully trusted in Him to provide what we needed financially. I still have trust issues about this as we are not yet fully funded. However, God absolutely has provided every penny that we have needed so far. Back in May, our agency told us we needed to send in $15,000 (yes, $15k) for the orphanage fees when we sent in our dossier. She gave us a deadline and that left us with a week to get the $15,000. We had about $4,000 in our Clements Arts fund from all my photography sessions but we had no clue where the other $11,000 was coming from. We had applied for a matching grant from a local organization and we were told it could be up to $8,000. Um, yes please! We waited hoping it would come through just in the nick of time, but it did not. I was scared. We set up this page and began to spread the word. It was so humbling to see people give. I cried a lot during this week. Of course I cried over the incredibly generous gifts, but I also cried over the $10 and $20 gifts from people who don’t even know us. God provided every bit of that $15,000, and we were able to send it in with our dossier. We did end up getting a $3,000 matching grant after the fact. :) 

I didn’t know how much I would fall in love with children I’ve never met... children who were birthed by another mother. Surely the love isn’t the same as the love I have for my own flesh and blood children, right? There’s really not much difference... just distance. I am already protective and wanting what is best for them. I think about them constantly. I day dream about them running around our little house, eating at our kitchen table (the new one that will seat more than 4), taking baths in the tub. And then I also day dream about their tantrums, their manipulation, their restless sleep, their tears of grief, and on and on. Which brings me to the next thing I didn’t know...

I didn’t know just how much brokenness comes with being an orphan and I guess I still don’t REALLY know yet. As much as I thought I was going into adoption with a well rounded view of what life would be like bringing two (remember we got more than we bargained for) little girls home, I was really just imagining a fairytale. Words/phrases/names such as RAD (radical attachment disorder), self stimulating behavior, sensory overload, abandonment issues, weighted blankets, Dr. Purvis and a long list of others were not even a part of my vocabulary one year ago. As this year has progressed, Lance and I have learned so much in preparation for bringing home three beautiful and broken little girls. I stare at their pictures and reflect the smiles that I see on their faces, but then my heart begins to grieve for the brokenness that know is behind those innocent smiles and big black eyes. I want to fix it... kiss all their hurt away... make them just be simple little girls with no story of loss. I didn’t know how much this would break me down... and they aren’t even here yet. 

I didn’t know how much their brokenness would reflect my own, because I was an orphan once, too. There in the garden, as Jesus prayed before lawless men came to carry him off to be crucified, he knew my brokenness, the brokenness that would come from being an orphan... a child born into sin. Before I was ever aware of it, he loved me and he desired to fix the brokenness in my heart. The difference is that HE is the only one who actually CAN heal brokenness. He gives beauty for ashes and an oil of gladness for those who mourn. As we face the process of healing that will come for our girls, I pray that God continually allows me to be reminded of and humbled by my own brokenness and my own need for healing. 

There is so much I didn’t know in September of 2012, and yet, as I sit here typing these words, as if I have somehow moved up to the next knowledge level in the game of adoption, I realize there is still so very much I don’t know. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe if I truly saw what lies ahead for us I would pick up my fairytale, “princess mommy” skirt and hightail it in the opposite direction. Maybe if I counted the buckets of tears that are yet to be cried I would want to trade them in for my old comfortable life of complacency. One thing I do know is that God is faithful to give us the grace and strength we need for today. He doesn’t give us today what we need for tomorrow. So whatever September of 2014 looks like for the Ogdens I know God will be faithful then as well.

Hopefully we will have an update on our case to share soon. We are still waiting for Ind*a to officially mach our dossier with the girls, so if you think about it, please pray for movement.

Until next time! -K

Update via Pictures

The boys and I took a trip to the aquarium. I thought Brayden had
been before, but apparently not. They really liked the dolphin show
and I really did NOT like the crowd.

Random fish picture. His face reflects how I felt about the 1 zillion people.

Brayden in the bubble window. :) 

Big ol' fat jelly fish. I was quite satisfied that they were behind glass!

Brayden started the First Grade at Reese Rd on Wednesday Aug 7!

Sweet Brayden... of course he picked the black play dough on the first day of school so the teacher could judge me for sending my child to school with nasty dirty finger nails... Figures.

We went to Atlanta to get our biometric fingerprinting done at the Department of Homeland Security. It was hard to find considering this was the only sign marking what the building was. We weren't allowed to bring our camera/phone in so this is our only picture. Now just waiting for approval. 

Asher started Pre-school at Wynnton Methodist the following
Monday. Look at this cool kid!

Pure attitude right here, buddy!

On Tuesday (Asher's second day) we got a call from our county's school
district saying that they had a spot open up for Asher at Brayden's school.
So Tuesday was Asher's last day at Wynnton Methodist and Wednesday
was his first day at Reese Rd. 

Now big bro and little bro are together and most importantly on the same schedule! Woo Hoo!

Sunday August 11th we decided to celebrate our little R turning 2
since this is the birthdate they have given her. I picked up a little cake at
Walmart. They spelled her name wrong, but I
figured it wasn't worth a fuss considering she's on the other side of the
planet. Guess this was the first of MANY name misspellings for our girls.

This is what happens when you let a waitress take your picture with an iPhone. Oh well, hopefully next year we will get a better picture with Rabina in person! Everyone looked at us like we were crazy (I guess they aren't far off on their judgements). I think the waitress finally figured it out on her own... she never asked but did comment how beautiful she was. You're dang right she's beautiful!
As are her sisters.

Asher was having some focus issues at school (it could be the other 21
students in the classroom) so we started giving him a Spark every morning
before school. No more frowns from his teacher. :)

Asher started karate at Wons Martial Arts. It's hilarious to watch!

I got my hair did. It's getting long... yes this is long. I was helping test
light for some head shots and ended up with my own. Deal!

There's your update via pictures. :)

Until next time! -K

Summer Greetings!

Once again I’ve come to place where I have a whole lot to say but don’t really know how to get it all out. I keep typing stuff and then deleting it. I DO NOT LIKE THIS PLACE!!! And you, my poor readers, are the ones that suffer, because you go months without being able to read my intriguing, highly intellectual and moving words. Life is just so hard sometimes. 

Just today, a friend (who shall remain nameless but it starts with “C” and ends with a “laire”) came up to me crying at a baby shower saying that she was still not able to log into my blog. I tried to console her, but it was pretty useless. Seeing how distraught she was, I realized how much people really NEED to read my blog! I went in the bathroom, slapped myself and determined that for the sake of my readers, I MUST write a blog today. So here I am!

It’s summer y’all! I got no schedules to keep and a whole lot of busy to fill in where the schedules used to be. So, for the sake of my readers I will write a blog, but for the sake of my sanity I will make it a radom thoughts post. Yep, intriguing and highly intellectual all the way!

Random thought #1 - Just in case you haven’t figured it out, I love sarcasm. Sarcasm is my love language... with words of affirmation coming in second. Do you see how messed up that is? Lance has a very fine line to walk. Poor man.

Random thought #2 - My house is clean. You can make an appointment to view this miracle anyti... whoops, I spoke too soon. Give me a few hours...

Random thought #3 - I will freely admit that I am slightly addicted to Candy Crush. Stupid peer pressure. Maybe those people who come to elementary schools to talk to kids about rejecting peer pressure and not doing drugs should also come to our businesses, malls, churches, etc and talk to adults about rejecting peer pressure and not playing Candy Crush. I think I feel a new business venture being birthed. My point is that I am on level 158 and I pretty sure I’m done with the whole mess. The little chocolate machines... yeah those are just not fair. 

Random thought #4 - Speaking of not fair, I’m really, really tired of hearing about the whole Zimmerman case. He was tried before a jury of his peers and whether or not I agree with the verdict, it is done. I wish our President would get on national television and talk about the TOP killer of African Americans... abortion. A lot of those millions of innocent babies would have looked like him... could have been him, too. End rant.

Random thought #5 - I am loving this summer! I’m not sure if it’s because this very well may be the last summer I have with JUST my boys, but I am really enjoying my time with them. We cuddle a lot. It’s fun. 

The other day, the whole family cuddled (sort of). It was fun. <--- See highly intellectual right here! Excuse my annoyingly loud laughing and FYI Asher was completely ok at the end. 

Random thought #6 - I made some chipotle chicken lettuce wraps the other day that would make you slap your momma. They were pretty darn spicy but they were oh so good. Here’s the recipe: Slap Yo Momma Lettuce Wraps 

Random thought #7 - We went to the Aquarium this past Wednesday. People in the south apparently really like fish, because it was crowsy. Oh yeah, I guess I should mention that Brayden introduced us to a new word: crowsy: adj. to be crazy crowded. 

Random thought #8 - Since we are on the subject of [Country in Asia], our friends, Gwen and Todd, just got home from picking up their beautiful daughter, Shanti. She is precious and I am so happy for them. My heart was so full seeing the pictures of this sweet family all together after such a long journey. It was a bit of a bonus (ok a LOT of a bonus) for our family that Shanti was in the same orphanage as our girls. They are friends!! Gwen and Todd were able to lay eyes on our girls and it’s so amazing how something as simple as that can warm this momma’s heart. We also heard there are pictures! EEEEEK! I can’t wait to see them! Here's one of K and Shanti together that our friend Aimee took several months back.

Radom thought #9 - The Lord has truly been gracious to us over the last few months. This roller coaster has been quite the ride, and I know without the grace and goodness of God I would have surely been thrown from the cart. One day soon I will blog specifically about this, but I am finding more and more that this adoption really isn’t just about the adoption. God is refining us in a really intense way. We’ve never gone through this type of fire. I can’t say I enjoy it but I can certainly see that God is doing a good thing in our hearts. If you want God to totally mess you up (in a good way), say “yes” to something crazy like adopting 3 kids. 

Well y'all, I think that’s enough random for today. Your welcome! ;-)

Until next time! -K

Referral Part 3

This is part three of our referral story. If you have not read part one or part two, you might want to read those first. :) 

I think I left off where we had just heard from our agency saying they had begun to advocate for us to adopt K, K and R. We were waiting to hear back about this. And waiting. And waiting some more. If felt like forever but when I went back and looked at the emails it really was only a couple of weeks. 

It was March 30th and Lance and I were going through a really rough time. As I’ve said before we felt like our family had been under spiritual assault since two days before we first saw those precious faces. On this friday, we were dealing with a very complicated issue. I can’t elaborate on this, and I wouldn’t call this issue part of the spiritual assault, but I’ll say it most certainly was icing on the cake. This particular issue had been a hard blow, and as Friday came to a close Lance and I made a very hard decision.

We felt very unsettled about it, and were very frustrated we had to make this choice, but we decided to give K, K and R back to the Lord and go back to pursuing 2 children. We had not heard from our agency and so we agreed to honestly let them go. We also agreed that if it was God’s will that these girls be ours, us walking away would not stop that. No man can thwart the will of God!

I don’t know how Lance dealt with this, but I knew what I had to do. I cried out to the Lord. I prayed, “Lord, I give these girls back to you. They are yours, not mine. You love them more than I ever could. Please take care of them. Help them find a home that will love them. God, be merciful to me. Don’t let me become depressed and discouraged. I need your strength.” As I finished my prayer, I deleted every picture I had of the girls. Then I cried for a while.

God did answer my prayers that weekend. He was merciful to me and helped me to be strong. While Lance and I still didn’t feel “right” about the situation we were trusting the Lord. We planned to tell the necessary people about our plan to go back to just two girls on Monday.

Although I kept this to myself, I had a very odd and strong feeling that we would be getting an email about the girls from our agency any day. I don’t know what made me feel this way, but I just knew it would come. I checked my email religiously expecting to find what I was anticipating.

Monday came and I had a photo session that morning. After my session, sitting in my car, I checked my email. Sure enough, my suspicions were correct and there sat an email from our agency. I opened it up and read, “Hi! We are ready to match you with the three girls!” and it went on to explain that after checking with everyone imaginable, we had green lights all around to move forward with the girls. 

Immediately I turned into an angry, tearful mess! I threw my phone in the floorboard (don’t worry it was cushioned by layers of mail and school papers) and beat my fist on the steering wheel. Through sobs, I screamed at God, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!! I JUST GAVE THESE GIRLS BACK TO YOU!!!!! WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME!?!?!?”

Eventually I settled down, but that day Lance and I went into a time of intense fasting and prayer. We did not understand what was going on but we were sure of a couple of things. These girls just kept coming back, and God was not closing doors, he was opening them. We told our agency that we would give them an answer on the girls on Thursday. 

We received copies of their medical reports. We scoured over them. They appeared to be very healthy. Developmentally they were all doing very well. It was confirmed in the reports that their mother had died in a car wreck and that no one else claimed them. 

We asked a lot people for their advice. We had a very tough decision to make. Over and over again people said, “You have to do what you feel the Lord is leading you to do!” So after much prayer and discussion, that is just what we did.

On April 4th, we said “Yes!”... again. But this time, we said it with a lot more confidence.

Over the next couple of weeks as we worked on finishing our dossier and waiting for the official match, God continually confirmed to me that we were walking the right path. One of my friends and fellow [country in Asia] mommas asked me, “Kristian, do you have 100% peace? I want to make sure you are 100% confident.” We had 100% peace and were 100% confident that this was the direction God was leading us!

A few weeks ago, we got a LOT of pictures! My friend Aimee had traveled to [country in Asia] to get her two daughters who were, get this, also in the SAME orphanage! She got to meet our girls, talk to them, hold their hands and best of all take lost of pictures! Oh my word, y’all! You just cannot imagine how big the smile on my face was as I looked through these images!!! LOOK for yourself and try not to smile while you do it!

Sorry, pictures no longer available

Then our agency sent us some pictures that they had another family take while they were picking up their daughter from the orphanage. EEEEK!! 

So that pretty much brings us to present day.

Until next time! -K 

Referral Part 2

This is part two of our referral story. This may be a bit long! Sorry! 

I left off with our initial “Yes” about the girls. We had seen their faces, learned their names and we were willing to move forward and see where God would lead us. 

As I mentioned in part one, we were on a trip to Texas. We were attending a conference in Fort Worth. It was two days after we had said “Yes” and Lance and I were sitting in an arena full of thousands of people waiting for the second day of our conference to begin. As a normal spoiled, iphone bearing American, I spent my time waiting checking FB and email and looking at sweet little faces. 

I was scrolling through my inbox and saw an email from our agency titled “Sad News.” My heart immediately sank because I knew this was going to be a door closing on the girls. Sure enough our agency shared that the home where these girls were had expressed concern that we might have trouble in the court process because we already had two biological children at home. The agency said that it was perfectly legal for us to adopt these girls but they were suggesting that we pass and wait for another referral. 

I tried to be strong. It made no sense for me to be upset. I had prepared myself for this. I even somewhat expected this. Why was this news so hard to take in? I tried. I truly did, but, as I looked out at the mass of people blissfully unaware of my pain, the view faded into a blur of light and tears. Lance, who had just read the email for himself, allowed me to hide my face in his chest and let it go. 

It is so hard to explain, but that day I grieved over children I had not met... the children birthed by another woman on the other side of the world... children that I had absolutely no right to grieve over. I felt stupid. I felt selfish. I felt lost. I wanted to find a deep, dark cave and just sit alone with this absurd sense of loss. 

As I sat there, I reminisced of another time I had gone to Texas. It was actually for another conference (what’s the deal with TX and conferences?) and I was having all the classic symptoms of early pregnancy. Like ALL of them! Lance was back at home with Brayden and he didn’t want me to take a test until I got back to Columbus. For those of you who know me well, you know waiting is not one of my strengths. No matter though, because I was certain I was pregnant. It was unplanned but I was okay with it. We were going to have another baby!

When I got home I took a test... it was negative.  The next day I followed the directions a little better and took another test... negative. The day after that I realized I really wasn’t ever pregnant. That day I grieved the loss of child I had not conceived... a child that never existed... a child I had not realized I wanted and therefore a child I had no reason to grieve over. I felt stupid and lost then, too. It was strange to feel like I was reliving the same scenario yet one so totally different. It was strange how they hurt so similarly.

As the weekend went on and we started to make our journey back home, Lance and I had a lot of time to talk alone. Maybe that’s why God sent this referral the day we were leaving. He knew we needed to be away from the normal demands of everyday life so we could deal with this. We had said in the beginning, “If God closes the door we are okay with it. We trust that his will is perfect!” and yet our conversations after the email on that Saturday sounded more like, “It does seem that God has closed the door, but something just doesn’t seem right here. I just can’t let this go for some reason. We need more answers.” The unsettled feeling was mutual which made me feel somewhat better knowing that I was chock full of hormones and my feelings were not very reliable at the moment.

When we got home, the unsettled feeling grew. We had an idea of how to proceed and decided we would check with our agency to see what they thought. We suggested that we continue with our adoption process as if we had never gotten the referral and then, once we got to the point where we would normally wait for a referral, we would see if the girls were still waiting. If they had been matched with another family, then that was our answer. If they had not been matched then we would pray and see if God was leading us toward them. If another referral came along we would consider it as well. In the meantime, we asked for her to check into what the home had said and see if it really was an issue we needed to be concerned with. We asked her if this was even in the realm of possibility... or if we were crazy for thinking this way.

The agency’s response was, “It’s funny that you write this because I have not felt comfortable about it ever since we got the email from the home. Yes, proceed in the normal fashion and I will look into it. We will see where God takes this.”

So, that’s what we did. We moved forward as normal. Of course K, K and R’s faces were already burned into our brains so we continued to pray for them. We even began to present them to other waiting families to see if they might be willing to consider them. We knew God had brought them into our lives for a reason... even if we were only to pray for them. We were open with the boys about the girls and they prayed every night for them. On his own accord, Brayden would pray, “God, I pray for K, K and R. If they are our sisters, please keep them safe and bring them home soon. If they are not the girls you have for us then please give them a good home and help us find our girls.” It was a beautiful thing to hear night after night. 

We went on for weeks with no news. A lot took place during this time. I can’t really go into detail about all of it, but we felt like we were under spiritual attack. I went through weeks of severe discouragement and anxiety. When we began to walk in a direction that would take us away from the girls, God would always point us back toward them in some way. This period was a HUGE lesson for us in discerning the will of God. I constantly had to remind myself of what the Bible says of God’s character. We had to look at each individual circumstance and ask ourselves, “Does God give us anxiety, fear, confusion? No, God gives us peace and hope... follow that.” 

A month after the first email about the girls, we got the following from our agency:

“I just wanted you to know that we have started the advocating for your family to adopt the sibling girls. We have made your case with the attorney and he will take it up with a judge to get his opinion. As soon as I hear I will let you know the plan.”

Not exactly what I expected when we asked for them to “look into things” but it was just another sign that this was not in our control.

To pass some time, I began to do some digging online. I discovered a website that lists all the orphanages in Delh*. I found the one these girls are in and I found their online listings along with some of listings of my friends’ children! The listing had a very brief description. I discovered that they were brought to the home because their mother had been in a car accident. I discovered that they had a last name and that their religion was actually Muslim and not Hindu. The listing came with two pictures.

A week or so later, our friends traveled to [country in Asia] to pick up their daughter from the very same orphanage that these girls are in. They took a couple of pictures for us while they were there. I was so surprised at how different they looked from the original pictures we had seen. I was not a fan of K & K's haircuts or their ugly brown school uniforms but I was glad to have a recent picture. 

After the email about the attorney, it was another two weeks or so before we heard anything else. I’ll pick up here in part three. 

While you wait for the next post, you can visit visit our YouCaring page HERE! Please help us out by sharing the link! 

Until next time! -K

Referral Part 1

I have been waiting to write this for so long that I don’t even know how to get it all out. So, bear with me. I will post the whole story in a series of posts.

Back in February I posted a very vague, mysterious post about our “roller coaster” and I asked for your prayers. Today, I get to share with you about our roller coaster and where your prayers have gotten us! Here it goes...

On Valentines Day, I opened up my email as I usually do while the boys are eating breakfast and I found an email from our adoption agency titled “Would you?” I opened the email and as I read the words my mouth fell open and my heart began to race. This is what I read:

“Hi, God just send these precious little girls to me and I am wondering if you would be interested.”

With shaking fingers, I directed my computer mouse to the attachment and clicked to open it. Here is what I saw:

(pictures removed)

They are bio sisters and their names are K (5), K (4) and R (21 months)

Words cannot describe how I felt the first time I saw those sweet little faces. For a brief moment I let myself feel the affection that swelled inside my heart for these children whose existence I was not even aware of just minutes before. I quickly tried to put up a guard around my heart and speak some sense into myself. I didn’t want to get attached too quickly. That was very hard. It was as if I had always known them somehow... literally, it was love at first sight no matter how hard I fought it. 

I called Lance and told him to get his tail back to the house because we had just gotten a referral! Lance came home and we stared at these girls with short black hair and dark beautiful eyes. We zoomed in and zoomed out. We looked at each other searching for an answer as to why these faces were even before us and what we were supposed to do about it. What was God doing? This was crazy! We were in shock. I don’t think I took a breath for about 15 minutes. 

It’s a major understatement to say that we were not expecting this “referral”! We were still nowhere near the place where we would normally receive a referral. And once we did get to that stage of the process, we were expecting two, t-w-o not THREE. We had a lot to discuss and pray about. 

A bit later we got some more pictures...

Oh as if the first pictures were not heart melting enough. 

On this day, Lance and I were actually heading out on a road trip to the nation of Texas with our good friends David and Andrea (Because nothing says "Happy Valentines Day" like a 750 mile road trip). I had not packed or cleaned or done anything I needed to do. I would later figure out that I was also hormonal... enough said. Things were pretty wild.  I was just a mess of adrenaline and nerves. 

We did finally make it on the road that evening. Poor David and Andrea! They had no idea they had signed up for a 12 hour drive with a hormonal nut job. Thankfully, they are just so super awesome that they put up with us and this situation the whole time without a single complaint, sigh or eye roll (all of which would have been well deserved).

At the end of the day, after praying, talking, praying, going over all the practical/financial stuff, praying, having our case worker do the same, praying, seeking the advice of a lot of people we respect and then praying some more, we felt that we needed to move forward with these girls and at least see where God would lead us. We knew he would close the door if this was not his will and we were okay with that. We were nervous and excited all at the same time and, while we thought it was crazy, it just felt right. 

So late that night, we sent an email to our agency that said, “Yes, we are interested! What's next?” And so our roller coaster began. More of the story to come soon!

Until next time! -K