A Perfect Love

Valentines Day... probably my least favorite holiday of the year. If you want to see me roll my eyes 150+ times in one day, just come hang out with me on Valentines Day. I’m a Valentine Scrooge you might say. Lance loves it... I mean he loves the fact that I hate it. I will, however, never turn down chocolate even if it comes in a heart shaped container or pink wrapper. Chocolate is the only redeeming value of Valentines Day.

I’ve mentioned before how God has a sense of humor and he knows I like it when he’s funny. Well, last year on Valentines Day God made a funny. Just as I was rolling my eyes for the first time at all the hearts and flowers on my FB wall, I got an email from our adoption agency and upon opening it I was in love at first sight... on Valentines Day. On the day where normally I’m busy internally making fun of all the mushy love stuff, I was a complete puddle of mushy love stuff over the three faces before me. I’m telling you, he’s funny!

This year, while I’m still a Valentines Scrooge (confirmed by my rant to Lance on the phone yesterday about how dumb Valentines school parties are) we will be celebrating February 14th as our “Seen Ya Day!” (kind of like “Gotcha Day!” but not to be confused with the day in New York where high school seniors dress up and get special privileges... I realize those sound exactly the same). So, what better place for us to celebrate our love for our daughters than to attend the Empowered to Connect Conference in Birmingham! To say that I’m excited about this conference is a total understatement! Thursday cannot get here fast enough and I don’t care if roads are bad! We are going! I think this will be an amazing opportunity for Lance and I to further prepare ourselves for our girls to come home and also be alone for a couple of days. I am so stoked to be able to hear Karyn Purvis (the “child whisperer” as I call her) in person and fill up at least one notebook full of Godly wisdom!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Empowered to Connect or the book The Connected Child, this is basically a conference about a particular type of parenting for children from hard places. We call this type of parenting “Trust Based Parenting” and the concept is that your main goal in all interaction with your children is connection, trust building and healing. We have begun learning and implementing these techniques with our boys. It is hard! It’s hard because it brings my selfishness to the surface. It’s hard because it doesn’t come naturally. It’s hard because it requires consistent WORK! 

Karyn Purvis is one of the authors of The Connected Child (The Trauma Mamma Bible). The book itself is not “Christian” but it certainly is based on biblical principles. Because of this, she actually wrote a bible study that coincides with the book called Created to Connect. I’ve gone through this study once earlier in our adoption process with a group of other moms, but I decided to go through it again by myself. I have been so encouraged and convicted by this study.

In yesterday’s devotion, I read about love and fear. 1 John 4: 18-19 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.” Later in the day, I read a blog from Lifeline about discipline for adopted children and they quoted this verse, too. Coincidence? Nah. I thought this was so very timely. I have had a pretty rough couple of days with the boys, and these words really penetrated my heart. There is no fear in LOVE.

For most of my life, I thought that I had genuine love for God, but what I really had was fear. I was afraid of his punishment for my sin, so I did all the “Christian things” in order to be sure that I was “saved” from that punishment. Despite all my efforts, I had not been perfected in love and I was blind to this fact. But one day, God opened my eyes and I truly saw how much he loved me... how he had loved me all along, forever and always, even when I didn’t love him. I realized that he had relentlessly pursued me with his love and that perfect love cast out fear in my heart. Now THAT is a love story that I can get excited about this Valentines Day! Amen? 

What’s totally awesome about the Christian life is the fact that in every aspect of it we have the opportunity–and responsibility–to reflect the love of the Father. I believe this is especially true in marriage and parenting. When you think about your children and your spouse in the light of the gospel, everything changes. 

I’ve realized that I don’t want my children to obey me and do all the right things out of fear of punishment. I want them to respond out of love for me... love that flows willingly because of my love for them. I want my love for my children to visibly reflect in some small way how God loves me. I want love to cast out fear in my children’s lives. 

I believe in order to love my children in this way, I must truly seek to love them biblically. Love isn’t just a feeling and a smile. Love is the outpouring of yourself in many different ways. Let’s look at what 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says about love:

love is patient

love is kind

love does not envy

love does not boast

love is not arrogant

love is not rude

love does not insist on its own way

love is not irritable

love is not resentful

love does not rejoice at wrongdoing

love rejoices with the truth

love bears all things

love believes all things

love hopes all things

love endures all things

love never ends

This is what perfect love looks like. Think about how this should translate into love for our children and our spouses? 

I admit this is an intimidating list when I lay it next to the list of all my shortcomings. There’s not a single one of these attributes that I could check off as having mastered. However, when I lay this list next to the cross, it matches perfectly. When I focus on God’s perfect love for me and then understand that I have been perfected in his love through the cross, my fear of failure is cast out, because perfect love casts out fear. That's just so  beautifully encouraging to me!

When my children are swinging like Tarzan from the last sliver of patience I have, I can look to the perfect love of God and reflect God's patience back to my boys. When rude and unkind words threaten to burst forth from my mouth, I can look to the perfect love of God and ask him to give me kindness. When I'm irritable and selfish, I can look to the perfect love of God as an example of how to lay down my life for my family. When I'm crumpled up in my bedroom floor crying because I just can't handle it anymore, I can look to the perfect love of God for hope and endurance. 

So, on the February 14th, as we are surrounded by teddy bears and red roses, let’s look to the cross of Christ and remind ourselves of what love really is... perfect love that casts out fear. I challenge you to pray and ask God to show you ways that you can reflect his perfect love to your family. Let me warn you though, if you ask for this, be prepared to be convicted over and over again. 

Happy Valentines Day Seen Ya Day! ~K

"Something" For The New Year

I wasn’t planning on posting anything else in 2013 but it seems I have one last thing to say. :)

The other night, I had a bit of a meltdown as I sat outside of our local hospital. For the third time in three days, I was about to walk into a room where a family held their baby who would never come home and never grow up. I volunteer for an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I, along with two other photographers in our town, do remembrance photography and we have had more than a handful of cases in the past week. I cried for more than the obvious reason. I cried because this world is just so messed up... so broken! Mothers should never have to burry their babies.

We are so close to crossing over into a brand new year. We all have hopes and aspirations of a wonderful 2014 (whether or not you vocalize them in the way of resolutions). Don’t lie. I know you. We all have some sliver of hope that the new year will be better in some way, shape or form from the previous year. And while there’s a chance that our hopes may become reality in our own lives, the truth is that so much of this world will remain the same and likely just get worse.

There will still be mothers who burry their babies (whether 25 weeks in utero, 25 minutes old or 25 years old). There will still be those who creep in the darkness – or even in the light of day – and steal what isn’t theirs. There will still be sinful rulers and politicians who view human life as a comodity to be used for their own personal gain and agendas. There will still be back-ally “businesses” that sell girls’ innocence for men’s sinister pleasure until there’s nothing left but track marks. There will still be children who hide in the closet trembling because mommy or daddy is sick and mean again. There will still be women who feel so trapped in their own pregnant bodies they will believe the lies that there is no other choice than to get rid of that “clump of cells”. There will still be brave men and women who will engage in combat for our freedoms and never come home alive again. There will still be husbands who have to remind their wives who their children are because Alzheimer's has stolen so much. There will still be storms that take out whole towns and villages leaving behind death, sickness and devastation. There will still be hungry bellies in cardboard houses. *Sigh* There will still be six year old little girls who spend all six of their years in an orphanage because they didn’t meet certain expectations. And the list goes on.

This world is broken. There’s no denying that. Sin has left it’s mark on mankind and mother nature and there is no life that is not affected. 

I didn’t bring all this up to be a Debbie Downer and ruin your New Years Eve celebration. I’m not trying to preach gloom and doom. In fact what I really want to say is that God is bigger than all the brokenness in this world. While some find it hard to reconcile all the pain and evil around us with a loving God who is sovereign over everything, the only solace I can find in any of this ugliness is that I do believe that God is in complete control and that he cares for us. 

Psalm 139:1-18 speaks beautifully of how God is so acutely aware of us and how dearly cares for us. 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
or darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

So we’ve talked about the brokenness in this world and we’ve talked about how God is still loving and in control, and he truly cares for us. However, I think it’s fairly easy for there to be a disconnect between the two in our minds. I don’t think I’m alone in the fact that I kind of default to apathy on a day to day basis regarding all the brokenness in the world. I mean really, what can I do? I’m just one person. Just a wife and a mom. I don’t have any special influence or affluence. Looking at this huge world so messed up and full of hurting people and then looking in the mirror at plain ol’ me, I have a tendency to just inwardly shrug my shoulders and shake my head. There’s really nothing I can do, right? 

But what if there is? What if I play a part in the way God is loving and caring in this broken world?

This Helen Keller quote has stuck with me for a while now. It plays over and over in my head, and I pray that in 2014 it plays over and over in yours, too.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”

I am one and you are one and we can do something! 

What if we, The Church, stopped shrugging our shoulders in fear? Because that’s what it boils down to, right? Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of change. Fear of what people will think. Fear of nobody caring. Fear of being irrelevant. Fear of losing what makes us comfortable. Fear of not having the time. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of being inadequate. Fear. What if we chose to lay down our fear at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to help us be brave and full of faith? What if we got real gutsy and asked God to really show us ways that we could be his hands and feet and then actually obeyed when he did?

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of year after year passing me by and still feeling like I make no difference in the world. I cannot do everything but still I can do something. 

What is the something you can do? Maybe it’s a meal (made or bought). Maybe it’s a phone call and a listening ear. Maybe it’s contacting that adoption agency or saying "yes" to a child who needs a family. Maybe it’s a note of forgiveness. Maybe it's being aware and proactive about human trafficking in your home town. Maybe it’s taking a widow to her doctor appointments. Maybe it's thanking a veteran. Maybe it’s getting on a plane and giving your life to a people group who need to hear about Jesus. Maybe it’s sending the person who’s called to get on that plane. Maybe it’s praying for the family who just started fostering or just adopted. Maybe it's a kind word and a sincere smile. Maybe it's volunteering at your local pregnancy crisis center. Maybe it's voting or writing a letter to your congressman. Maybe it’s cleaning out your overflowing closet and filling one that’s bare. Maybe it's showing grace to your children. Maybe it's getting to know your neighbors. Maybe it’s a million other “somthings” that you and I CAN do. 

So, as we count down the hours left in 2013, I encourage you to look forward to 2014 and then look out... away from yourself. Because, while your waistline, career, home or bank account may change in the coming year, there are things that will remain the same. This world will remain broken and in need of hope and love. Will you do the something that YOU can do? 

I’m going to start a few hours early and do a small something...

We found out about Eden through a simple blog post. A plea from one mother to this mother – because I’m certain that post was written for me. So, I know that God can work through blog postings! Tonight, I am going to send out a plea on behalf of two little girls in Ind*a who really need families to call their own. 

The first little girl is a 5 year old in South Ind*a. I just saw her pictures and she is so beautiful! She has been waiting for a while to be matched with a willing family. She has a minor health condition but I would consider her healthy. The clock is ticking and this sweet baby needs somebody to say “YES” to her. 

The second little girl is an 9 year old in North Ind*a. I have seen her picture as well and her little face is just precious! She has been waiting for a family for years. She has some limb deformities, but our friends who met her said this doesn't slow her down one bit. This little girl needs a mom and a dad to cherish her. 

Here’s my plea. Will you not click off this page until you pray for these girls? If you know God has called you to adopt or feel like he may be tugging on your heart in that way will you take a moment to consider these two children? If you feel led, will you share about these little girls? I know that older children sometimes seem “risky” to families who are just beginning to consider adoption. I wasn’t open to older children at first either, but God quickly changed my heart about that and I realized children don’t grow out of needing love. Older children are just as deserving of and in need of a loving family as younger babies and children. I believe that there are families out there for both of these precious girls. We can’t adopt them right now but I can make this plea... this is something I can do. 

Thank you for hearing my heart one last time this year! I pray that 2014 is amazing for each of you and that it is a year full of “somethings.” 

Until next time! -K

What I Didn't Know

So it’s been a full year since we announced we were planning to adopt. It’s been 9 months since we started our home study. I can’t believe how fast it’s flown by! So what has my first year as an “adoptive momma” looked like? Ha! Well, let’s just say there were a lot of things I didn’t know this time last year...

I didn’t know how emotional I was until we started this process. I have done a lot of crying this past year. Happy tears, amazed tears, humbled tears, scared tears, angry tears, heartbroken tears, thankful tears, depressed tears... you name it and I’ve cried over it. Good grief adoption can turn a woman into a hot mess fast! And apparently my cries are not limited to my own situations. I cry over other people’s, too... even people I’ve never met. Who cried over a random adoption blog post while sitting in a parking lot three days ago? *raises hand*

I didn’t know we were in for more than we bargained for. If you had asked me what I thought about people who adopted three siblings at one time, I would have responded with “Three? As in 1-2-3? Yeah those people are crazy. We are crazy for wanting two, but those people? Yeah, they aren’t just crazy... they are bat poop crazy!” Us adopting three little girls? No. Freaking. Way. Shut. Up!! Yeah, we definitely got more than we bargained for!

I didn’t know the spiritual forces of evil would hate us so much. When we had our major theological shift toward reformed theology, back in 2009, it was a huge pendulum swing. Without realizing it, I really pushed away from the super sensitivity to the spiritual realm that I was accustomed to growing up. I’m not saying that I didn’t believe in spiritual warfare, but more that I just wasn’t concerned with it. I believe this was an error on my part. Lance and I have been under constant spiritual assault since two days before we first saw those three little faces. We’ve had attacks from almost every direction. Satan certainly hates adoption. 

I think if I could give only a few pieces of advice to people starting out the adoption process, one of them would be to prepare for spiritual battle... pray over your family, pray over your home, pray over your finances, pray over your relationships, pray for your future adopted children, pray! On top of that, memorize scriptures so that when you face these attacks you can remind yourself to “Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.” (Eph 6:10-18)

I didn’t know that God would provide. I hoped that he would, but I don’t think I fully trusted in Him to provide what we needed financially. I still have trust issues about this as we are not yet fully funded. However, God absolutely has provided every penny that we have needed so far. Back in May, our agency told us we needed to send in $15,000 (yes, $15k) for the orphanage fees when we sent in our dossier. She gave us a deadline and that left us with a week to get the $15,000. We had about $4,000 in our Clements Arts fund from all my photography sessions but we had no clue where the other $11,000 was coming from. We had applied for a matching grant from a local organization and we were told it could be up to $8,000. Um, yes please! We waited hoping it would come through just in the nick of time, but it did not. I was scared. We set up this page and began to spread the word. It was so humbling to see people give. I cried a lot during this week. Of course I cried over the incredibly generous gifts, but I also cried over the $10 and $20 gifts from people who don’t even know us. God provided every bit of that $15,000, and we were able to send it in with our dossier. We did end up getting a $3,000 matching grant after the fact. :) 

I didn’t know how much I would fall in love with children I’ve never met... children who were birthed by another mother. Surely the love isn’t the same as the love I have for my own flesh and blood children, right? There’s really not much difference... just distance. I am already protective and wanting what is best for them. I think about them constantly. I day dream about them running around our little house, eating at our kitchen table (the new one that will seat more than 4), taking baths in the tub. And then I also day dream about their tantrums, their manipulation, their restless sleep, their tears of grief, and on and on. Which brings me to the next thing I didn’t know...

I didn’t know just how much brokenness comes with being an orphan and I guess I still don’t REALLY know yet. As much as I thought I was going into adoption with a well rounded view of what life would be like bringing two (remember we got more than we bargained for) little girls home, I was really just imagining a fairytale. Words/phrases/names such as RAD (radical attachment disorder), self stimulating behavior, sensory overload, abandonment issues, weighted blankets, Dr. Purvis and a long list of others were not even a part of my vocabulary one year ago. As this year has progressed, Lance and I have learned so much in preparation for bringing home three beautiful and broken little girls. I stare at their pictures and reflect the smiles that I see on their faces, but then my heart begins to grieve for the brokenness that know is behind those innocent smiles and big black eyes. I want to fix it... kiss all their hurt away... make them just be simple little girls with no story of loss. I didn’t know how much this would break me down... and they aren’t even here yet. 

I didn’t know how much their brokenness would reflect my own, because I was an orphan once, too. There in the garden, as Jesus prayed before lawless men came to carry him off to be crucified, he knew my brokenness, the brokenness that would come from being an orphan... a child born into sin. Before I was ever aware of it, he loved me and he desired to fix the brokenness in my heart. The difference is that HE is the only one who actually CAN heal brokenness. He gives beauty for ashes and an oil of gladness for those who mourn. As we face the process of healing that will come for our girls, I pray that God continually allows me to be reminded of and humbled by my own brokenness and my own need for healing. 

There is so much I didn’t know in September of 2012, and yet, as I sit here typing these words, as if I have somehow moved up to the next knowledge level in the game of adoption, I realize there is still so very much I don’t know. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe if I truly saw what lies ahead for us I would pick up my fairytale, “princess mommy” skirt and hightail it in the opposite direction. Maybe if I counted the buckets of tears that are yet to be cried I would want to trade them in for my old comfortable life of complacency. One thing I do know is that God is faithful to give us the grace and strength we need for today. He doesn’t give us today what we need for tomorrow. So whatever September of 2014 looks like for the Ogdens I know God will be faithful then as well.

Hopefully we will have an update on our case to share soon. We are still waiting for Ind*a to officially mach our dossier with the girls, so if you think about it, please pray for movement.

Until next time! -K

Anxious About Everything

Just so you know, this post is probably more for me than anything. Sometimes I write posts just to get stuff off my mind, to put a date on what's going on and how I feel about it. You know... The Spin Cycle Diaries. Your mind is now blown I'm sure. ;-)

So, Kristian, how do you feel? I feel anxious... anxious about everything. If I made a list it would probably just make me even more anxious so I'm going to pass on that. I guess my biggest point of anxiety is the adoption. There are these three looming questions that have been really harassing me this morning: 

• Do you really have what it takes or are you fooling yourself? 
• Will God really provide?
• Is this whole thing just going to fall apart now that your heart is in it?

As I write out these questions, I can see now how they have an ugly little tag that reads "To: Kristian From: Lucifer" but it's so hard to notice that tag until I've already unpacked the questions and allowed that anxiety to sink in deep.

Asher saw me crying this morning and he asked, "Mommy, why are you crying?" I answered, "Mommy is kind of scared. Sometimes even mommies get scared," and that was the honest truth... sometimes mommies — sometimes I — get scared (of course "anxious" sounds less cowardly so we use that word).

Why do I have such trust issues with the One who has never failed me? Why is it so easy to forget what God has done for me in the past and trust that he will provide in the future?

When I read in the Old Testament about the Israelites, I always shake my head and think, "You people have such terrible memories! You watched God part the Red Sea and protect you with clouds and fire but yet here you are freaking out about what lies before you. Don't you have ANY faith in the God who has provided for you over and over again?"

I'm sorry Israelites, I was wrong to judge you so pridefully. I too have a terrible memory!

So, I sat here and stressed out for a while, but the Holy Spirit reminded me of a piece of scripture:

Phillippians 4:19 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

That's the verse that came to my mind and it was what I needed to hear, but as I turned to it, my eyes went upward and I started with verse 4:

Phillippians 4:4-8 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

THAT was what I REALLY needed to hear! 

So now let me answer those questions...

• Do you really have what it takes or are you fooling yourself? No, I don't have what it takes but God will be our strength. He will enable us to do what he has called us to do!
• Will God really provide? Yes, my God will supply every need. Even though it is hard to see how he can possibly provide what we need, he is faithful... he has always been faithful.
• Is this whole thing just going to fall apart now that your heart is in it? Even if it does and my heart breaks into tiny little pieces, Christ is enough. My hope is in Christ not in an adoption. Christ is enough.

Okay, I feel better now. Until next time. -K