When Your Biggest Problem Is Yourself

The first weekend in March, I was able to get away for a conference/retreat for adoptive and foster mommas. It's called Created For Care and is all the rage in the adoption community. I had signed up for it back in August, because you have to register within the first 10 minutes that they open registration or you won't get in. I wasn't even sure I would be able to go since we didn't know when we would be traveling to get our girls and we certainly didn't know how things would be once they were home. I signed up just in case.

My roommates Rachel and Natasha! Love these girls!

Natasha and I took a wreath making session.

All the India Moms!

Anyways, obviously I made it, and it was wonderful. It wasn't one of those conferences where you walk away glassy-eyed and mouth open, because your brain just took an entire college course in a single day. No, it was pretty easy going with things like karaoke and craft making mixed in. There were some sessions that were heavier than others, but honestly, I got just what I needed... a break. I had almost two whole days free of anyone calling my name, hitting their brother, pooping in their pants, etc. It gave me a lot of time to step back and assess the last few months of our new life.

While I had time to clear my mind and recharge my batteries, I came to grips with what I had already slowly started to realize over the last couple of months... my biggest issues with our adoption transition are my own personal issues. My selfishness. My insecurity. My need for control. My lack of self-control. Me... it's me.

All my expectations of how life would be hard and overwhelming once our girls came home had mainly revolved around our kids issues (whatever those might be). I thought THEY would be the hard part. While they do have their own issues (all five of them), that's not really the hard part. I am the hard part. I am my own problem.

Never in all my life have I related so much to Paul's words in Romans 7. He says,

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

That's me! I know in my head all the things I should and shouldn't do, but yet I continue to do all the wrong things and not do the right things. I've never been as well acquainted with my own sin and weaknesses and shortcomings as I am now. 

Sometimes, I lay in bed at night completely discouraged by myself as I replay all of my mistakes from the day, and I just want to run away... from me. I lay there, gritting my teeth, swearing to myself that tomorrow will be different. I will be different tomorrow. And at the end of that tomorrow I'm laying in the same bed once again completely discouraged by myself. 

I often wonder why God chose me to be the mother of these kids (even the ones I birthed) because so often I feel like they deserve better than me. Somebody who has it all together. Somebody who doesn't lose their temper. Somebody who can spend all day playing with their kids and still keep the house tidy. Somebody who naturally smiles and laughs all the time. Somebody who can really loosen up and be fun and carefree. Somebody who is more disciplined and organized. Somebody better. 

But I can't forget my own theology that God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't say "Whoops!" His plan is perfect, and for those who love Him it is ultimately for their good and His glory. I know that our family is divinely designed, and that design, for whatever reason, includes this broken and sinful mom full of weaknesses and shortcomings. I may never know why He chose this life for me or me for this life, but I know I can trust Him. I have to trust Him.

I wish I could say that I have found the perfect formula to help me overcome my problem of "me" – some special scripture to write on the mirror, some secret schedule to help me start my day off right, some awesome book that spells everything out – but I can't because I haven't. The only thing that I have found to cling to is this...

So I say "My endurance has perished; 

so has my hope from the Lord."

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, 

the wormwood and the gal! 

My soul continually remembers it 

and is bowed down within me. 

But this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope: 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness. 

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, 

"therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:18-24

His mercies are new every morning. He is my portion. I just need more and more of him until there's less and less of me. <--HOPE

Until next time. -K

Reflections

Today is the the last day of one of the best years of my adult life. After a very rough and discouraging 2013 on almost all fronts, 2014 brought with it so much joy and blessing into our family. As I reflect over all that God has done, I am truly in awe of who He is and how much He loves us. 

On Christmas morning, as all FIVE of our children sat around the tree opening their gifts, I cried tears of happiness. All of our hopes and prayers over the last two years had come to this... two handsome sons and three beautiful daughters for us to treasure and love and share the world with. It was and is so wonderful.

 

 

It was a strange feeling, really – one I’ve had quite often since November 10th. Although, it’s actually an oddly familiar feeling. After giving birth to both of my boys, I would stare at them in disbelief that mere weeks before they were nesting within my own body – so close and intimate yet so unknown to me. It seemed weird that all of the waiting and pain was over in a single moment and they were in my arms. And in that moment it was as if that was all I had ever known. On one side of that moment I couldn’t fathom life with them in it and on the other side of that moment I couldn’t fathom life without them.

This was the same feeling that I had as I watched wrapping paper fly across the room and listened to little girls giggle over their new gifts. All our waiting and pain was over in that beautiful moment on November 10th, and here they were in our living room, no longer nesting in my heart but here with us, living and breathing. And it’s as if this is all I have ever known. 

 

I always wondered how I would love my adopted children. Not IF I could love them, but rather how it would compare to the love I have for my biological children. Surprisingly for some adoptive parents, the love they expected to have for their new children isn’t there automatically. Love isn’t always instant. Love grows as a result of relationship and the building of trust. While I believe we have a lot of room for our love to grow, I realized the other day that I truly love our girls in the same way I love our boys. I love them... truly and honestly, I love them. Sometimes, I almost forget they aren’t my own flesh and blood... then I walk into the grocery store and all the stares remind me. 

I think about how scared we were two years ago. We had so many fears of the unknown, but we couldn’t get away from the strong conviction that God was leading us to adopt. It was illogical and crazy, but we put our fears aside and took a risk for love. I’m so thankful we didn’t use our fears as excuses because we would have missed out on so much! 

I wonder how many people out there feel led to adopt or foster, but use their fears as excuses to put it off or just say “no” all together. I wonder how many children are waiting for their families to choose them over fear. 

I won’t pretend adoption is a bed of roses, because it’s not. Adoption is hard, gut wrenching and will expose your own sin and brokenness more than you can imagine. I actually plan to blog about some of the gritty details soon, because I believe it’s important to share the ugly, hard parts of adoption as well as the shiny, pretty ones. However, adoption is so beautiful, rewarding and faith building and I will never, for the rest of my life, stop advocating for families to rise up and answer the call of caring for children in need. 

My desire for 2015 is for more children to go from this...

to this...

Until next time! -K

Home At Last

On Tuesday, November 18, 2014, our whole family of seven was united! After two years of waiting, we finally had all of our family together! We were tired and sick and probably didn't smell very well, but we had each other. What a wonderful day that was! It was the culmination of all our tears and prayers.

Here is our adoption video. It serves as a reminder of all that God has done! We are so thankful for his faithfulness and goodness! I pray our story encourages others!

Until next time! -K

Because He Loves Us

I sat in a pop up camper with a few other India-mommas and a glass of wine. Two of us were on on the "gotcha" side of adoption and the other two of us were on the "waiting" side of adoption. As we sat there talking about all things adoption, I confessed. I let it out. I told my friends what I feared the most at that moment. 

"I'm so scared," I said like I was trying to shove stubborn words out past my front teeth, "I'm scared that it's all going to fall apart. I'm scared that we will lose them somehow. There's no way I can handle that."

Little did I know, as I sat there sipping wine, that I would face that very fear a mere week later. That fear would become my reality. It would all fall apart. We would lose them.

September 19, 2013 was one of the worst days of my life... ever. You can read about that day here. 

I can't even count the number of times I asked God "Why?!?!?!?" hoping I would wake up the next morning with the revelation of why God had allowed our girls to be taken away and given to another family. We had taken a huge leap of faith and followed where we felt He was clearly leading us. We stood firm on this decision even when others told us we were in over our heads. Yet after so many wide open doors, He slammed this door in our faces. Why?

Today, I think I can answer that question... because He loves us. He loves us more than we could ever begin to comprehend. He loves us too much to leave us alone. 

Our pastor shares this J. I. Packer quote often, and I just love it so much...

"And still He seeks the fellowship of His people and will send them both joy and sorrow to detach their hands from the things of this world and attach them to Himself’."

While losing our girls was one of the hardest things we've ever faced, I truly believe it was one of the most loving things God could have done because it forced us to detach our hands from this world – from three little girls – and attach them to our Father in Heaven. We learned to praise him despite our pain. We learned to trust him even in the dark. He was all we had and we learned that He really was enough. 

Today, a year later, as I stand on this side of the sorrow being the legal mommy of those same precious girls, my heart is exceedingly grateful for God's love – a love that allowed us to face our fear so we could find our hope, a love that allowed us to feel real pain so we could find true joy. 

Don't misunderstand me. God is not unsympathetic to our pain. He is not unkind in how he deals with his children. He sees our tears. Jesus says "blessed are those who mourn because they will be comforted." He is our comforter. 

Consider Mary and Martha who wept over their brother Lazarus. Jesus loved them. He waited until their brother was stinking dead so that they could witness Lazarus' resurrection. Maybe that's what they needed to see so they would truly believe Jesus' resurrection. Maybe Jesus waited so they would detach their hands from this world and attach their hands to himself. Yet,  knowing the miracle he was about to perform, he sympathized with their devastation. He wept with them. Yes, Jesus loved them.

So, my brothers and sisters in Christ... for you who are waiting, for you who are hurting, for you who are searching, for you who are being crushed, for you who are in mourning, for you who are in the dark... for all of you who are asking "Why?!?!?!?!?" for whatever reason, take a breath and trust with all your heart that the answer is because he loves you. He loves you...



Until next time. -K

Glory To God! He Has Blessed Us In Abundance!

This time last year we were one week away from one of the most devastating days we have ever experienced. On September 19, 2013 we were told our referral for K, K and R had been given to another family and that family had accepted. There was nothing WE could do! We cried many tears that day and over the months that followed because we didn't know all that HE would do! 

Today, a year later, I once again sit in tears, but this time they are not tears of devastation, they are tears of JOY! Today, we celebrate our DAUGHTERS! We learned this morning that our cases were passed in court on September 9th! It is complete! They are ours! Praise the Lord! He has blessed us in abundance!

So it is with great, great joy that I introduce to you...

Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?

Psalm 42

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you

from the Land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your waves have gone over me

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,

and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock: "Why have you forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning because of he oppression of the enemy?"

As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me,

while they say to me all the day long, "Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him my salvation and my God

I try so hard not to get my hopes up about things, yet I do... I can't help it. I always get my hopes up and so often I am disappointed. The cycle has played out again... again I got my hopes up and again I am disappointed. 

I had really hoped and believed that the case heard for evidence on July 2nd was our case. It took several days for them to post the notes from the case online and each day that passed my heart sank lower and lower. This morning at 7:30 the notes were finally there. While Lance and the boys were asleep I checked the notes in silence and quickly learned that Case No. 92 was for a little boy... not three little girls. Definitely not our case. I shed a few quiet tears and went back to sleep. 

I've been low in my spirits today as the reality that we now have no idea where we are in the court process sunk in. My hopes of traveling by the end of August disintegrated into thin air. The "end" that I could almost touch with my hand just disappeared over the horizon. I'm tired and weary.

As I read Psalm 42 tonight, I was reminded my hope is in God, my salvation. So, while my soul is cast down I am going to follow in David's footsteps and remember the Lord from the Land of Jordan (or the Land of Adoption). I want to recount what the Lord has done because I SHALL again praise him!

Remember with me and let us rejoice over all that God has done! Let's start from the very beginning...

• God opened our eyes to see the beauty of the gospel and to understand that we ourselves were once orphans, but because of the great mercy and love of God he sought us out relentlessly and now, through grace, we are heirs with Christ! Praise the Lord!
• God made it so perfectly clear to us that we were to adopt. He led us to India and gave us a desire for daughters! Praise the Lord!
• God gave us the most amazing Valentine gift ever in 2013 when we saw K, K and R for the first time. He gave us the peace and courage to move forward with what seemed totally crazy! Praise the Lord!
• God has given us prayer warriors and Godly council to direct us, challenge us, prepare us and support us throughout this journey! Praise the Lord!
• God opened so many doors and lead us as we navigated uncertain waters. Praise the Lord!
• In May 2013, when we sent in our dossier God provided the $15,000 we need in less than 7 days! Praise the Lord!
• In September of 2013 when we lost the referral for the girls God sustained us. He so beautifully comforted us and gave us peace beyond understanding. Praise the Lord!
• In November 2013 he led us to Eden and he taught our hearts to trust him and seek him more fervently. He taught us to pray with faith. Praise the Lord!
• Because of our pursuit of Eden, we were connected to the founder of the Forever Families Foundation who later so generously gave us the grant that brought us to being fully funded. Praise the Lord!
• In January God performed a miracle and he brought our girls back to us! Despite our confusion over Eden, he made it so clear to both me and Lance that this was the work of his hand and this was the path we were to walk in. Praise the Lord!
• In February, a year after first seeing their faces, we held K, K and R's official referrals in our hands! Praise the Lord!
• In March God blessed us with an amazing Both Hands project in which we were honored to serve Ms. Wright. God provided over $11,000 through this project! Praise the Lord!
• When our agency lost accreditation in March, God protected us and provided for us! We didn't lose any of our funds and our transition to a new agency was smooth! Praise the Lord!
• In April we received our Article 5 Letters from the US Embassy saying we had approval to make the girls US citizens! Praise the Lord!
• In May, we were FULLY FUNDED! God provided over $60,000 for our adoption! Praise the Lord!
• Also in May we received our ARC and NOC approval in record time! Praise the Lord!
• On Mothers Day God provided a vehicle that would fit our family of 7! Praise the Lord!
• In June our girls got to see pictures their family for the first time! Praise the Lord!
• God directed me to the court websites where our case can be tracked! There is progress in this court! Praise the Lord!
• God will continue to move on behalf of K, K and R! Praise the Lord!
• God will bring them home in his perfect time and he will comfort us all while we wait. Praise the Lord!

May we always remember all that the Lord has done for us on this journey! When our soul is cast down, may the remembrance of his faithfulness bring us peace and joy!

If you would like to pray for us, you can specifically pray that the next case being heard on July 11th will be our case. You can also pray that God would work our travel plans perfectly around Brayden's 8th birthday. He does not want us to be in India on his birthday and I want to be sure that we can properly celebrate his eight years of life! Finally, you can pray that God would be with the girls and comfort them while they wait.

Thank you so much for your continued prayer and support!

Until next time! -K

Gardening and the Christian Life

This spring, Lance and I planted a small garden. He laid the bed and planted the seeds, and I've nurtured them and helped them grow. He says this sounds just like making babies... 

Anyways, nobody told me gardening was addictive! Before I knew it, we (Lance) had ripped up our overgrown shrubs that were in the front of the house and we planted some new plants in their place. If we were made of money I would have a full English garden by now, but our Lowes gift card ran out so we stopped  buying plants. Sad day.

I don't even know what kind of bushes we pulled up, but I replaced them with Indian Hawthorns which are quite hardy. I also planted a lovely Hydrangea with purple/blue blooms in a spot where a scraggly rose bush once lived (it came with the house). Hydrangeas are some of my favorite flowering plants and this one was particularly beautiful. One of the blooms on this Hydrangea was almost 10 inches in diameter! Huge! I'll come back to my gorgeous Hydrangea in a minute.

I really and truly didn't expect to love gardening. I've always seemed to have a "black thumb" and have never had much luck with plants. I even killed a bamboo plant once. So, I just assumed it would become another chore I put off, but I love it. I look forward to going out every morning to water the plants and see what has changed. I even love pulling weeds. I wish laundry had the same appeal.

I also didn't expect to glean so many lessons about the Christian life from gardening. This has come as a complete surprise. It seems like every time I spend a few minutes surveying the fruits of my labor I always walk away pondering life; growth, faith, pain, joy, grace, provision, etc. 

Ok, so back to my Hydrangea. I planted it in late March, and it was my pride. The blooms were huge and it seemed to be doing well. I was really enjoying it, but, as the days got warmer, I started noticing something that concerned me. The edges of the leaves were starting to burn up. This plant only got a handful of hours of sunlight but it was the afternoon sun. Being an amateur gardener, I didn't know that in the South Hydrangeas really like morning light and afternoon shade. 

As the days passed, I decided I needed to move the Hydrangea to a shaded spot if  it was going to live. I knew leaving it where it was would eventually kill it. So, I got out the shovel, put the edge to the ground, stomped on it and dug up my beloved Hydrangea. I dug another hole and placed the root ball in the ground and covered it with soil. I patted down the dirt and watered it. As harsh as it seemed to dig it up, it was the only way I knew to save it. 

I tend to give my plants personalities... I'm weird. This Hydrangea did not like me digging it up and moving it somewhere new. It was quite comfy in the place where the sun beams rained down... even if it's leaves did burn up. It was used to that spot and would have preferred not to leave it, but I knew if it had stayed there it would die. For a couple of weeks after digging up it up, it seemed as though I had not saved my plant but killed it. It appeared the transplant had been too much for my Hydrangea to bear. It drooped. The blooms shriveled and browned. It was pitiful. My plant was in shock, teetering on the edge of life and death, but I continued to water it and check it because I believed I had done what was best for it even though I was taking a gamble that my plant might die. 

Yesterday, I went out to check all of my plants and as I got closer to my Hydrangea plant, I noticed something really awesome... new growth! Around each stem, under the shriveled blooms, there were little sprouts of green, heathy, new leaves. I was so excited to see this and instantly I began to relate to this Hydrangea plant. 

There are times in the Christian life when God has to dig us up! Sometimes he has to remove us from our comfy spot in the sunshine or else we will shrivel up and die. It's strange... to us, what feels like living is, in reality, dying. We've laid our roots and taken hold of the soil around us. Because of this, we don't want to be dug up. We don't want to move. We don't want to go through hardship. We don't want to be scared. We. Just. Don't. Wanna!

But unlike me, God is no amateur gardener. He doesn't take a gamble with our lives. He knows what we need... exactly what we need. He knows when digging us up is the BEST thing for us. While digging us up my take us out of our comfort, he does it to produce growth in us so we can live in a way that pleases Him. 

He is not unkind when he puts his shovel to the ground. He is perfectly loving and tender as he unearths the most vulnerable parts of us and lays them bare to be cared for by his expert hand. He sustains us when we are weak. He never leaves us even if we feel abandoned in the shadows. He supplies all our needs even when we feel nothing but despair. If we are a part of HIS garden then we have no need to fear because HE is an expert gardener and he love each of his plants. 

God, help us to embrace the times when you dig us up. Help our roots to grow strong in YOU and not the world around us. Give us courage so that we can be obedient even when it means leaving our comfort behind. Be our strength when our soul is weary and we feel as though we cannot go on. Produce growth in our lives that glorifies you and speaks of your wonderful grace! 

Until next time! -K

Unlocked

For a few days now, I’ve battled internally about when I should open up our blog again. I was torn because a lot of me wants it to be open so people can freely follow our journey of adoption and keep up with our family, but another part of me is a protective momma bear who doesn’t want to risk any chance of facing another devastating loss. I asked other adoptive Indi-mommas and I got mixed opinions, so I decided to pray to the ultimate authority and ask the Lord to lead me. Why this wasn’t my go-to option I don’t know.

After some conviction in my heart, I came to the conclusion that I needed to open it back up again. Here are the things that I led me to this conclusion:

• We have NOC and that is one of the most crucial milestones in an Indian adoption.
• I was reminded that I am still not in control of this journey. The reality is that locking my blog down really doesn’t give me any control. God’s will ultimately will come to fruition, and that’s been proven many times in this process.
• By trying to be in control and protect things, I’m not able to be an encouragement to those who might be in the process of adoption or considering it or even just people who are struggling knowing if God cares or provides or works miracles. 
• I want my blog to proclaim the greatness of our God! He has been moving mountains and parting seas for our girls to come home, and I want to shout about it from the rooftops!
• My blog is set to be unsearchable. You can’t google our names and find our blog. You can find a lot of other things but not this blog. I will change this once we get our verbal court orders. 

So there you have it! Welcome to the unlocked Spin Cycle Diaries! :)

Today is an AMAZING day!!!!

Today is an amazing day! I am excited! I am thrilled! I am in shock! God has done it again! He has moved mountains and answered another of our BIG prayers! All glory goes to Him!

Today we found out that we have ARC and NOC approvals!!!!! 

Sometimes I miss The Wiggles. Maybe R will like them.

This is HUGE!!!!

ARC is the state approval and NOC is the national approval. ARC comes first since it’s required for NOC.

On average is seems to take about 5-6 months for families to get both ARC and NOC (sometimes it takes much longer). Below are real timelines of other families adopting from India.

Referral papers in June and NOC in November = 5 months

Referral papers in January and NOC in July = 6 months

Referral papers in August and NOC in January = 5 months

Referral papers in August and NOC in December = 6 months

Referral papers in January and NOC in June = 4 months

Referral papers in July and NOC in January = 6 months

Referral papers in January and NOC in October = 9 months

Referral papers in January and NOC in August = 7 months

We signed our referral papers on February 8th and got NOC May 16. THREE MONTHS!!! Praise the Lord!!

We are now waiting on a court date! The courts will be closed the whole month of June so we are praying for a early July court date. Once again this is another BIG prayer to pray!  

Once you have a court date it generally takes 1-3 months to pass court. After court we will travel about 6 weeks later after the girls passports are ready! Keep praying with us that God would continue to move mountains to bring our girls home quickly! I am still praying for travel at the end of August or early September!

I had to celebrate the special day with a little gift for our soon to be new United States Citizens! I got them matching red, white and blue tees to wear home on the plane!!! :)

Praying we hear great court news soon! After we pass court and the girls are officially ours, I will unlock the blog!