Dear person who came up with the idea of the “romantic” breakfast in bed, please do us all a favor, and inform everyone that you are in fact a caregiver at a nursing home and that there is actually no romance involved with eating meals in bed. Please save some husbands and children some effort by explaining that unless you are bed ridden, meals, including ones on Valentines day and Mothers Day, should be eaten in the proper place, aka the table. I feel that I am not alone in my hatred of dirt, crumbs, liquids, and bugs in my bed. I believe your silence has led to thousands of like-minded women suffering through burnt toast in bed and cursing every crumb that falls while trying not to spill scalding coffee with not enough sugar all over our clean sheets that were just put on the day before. There are plenty of romantic things to do in bed, but breakfast is just not one of them. Please, for the love of a good night’s sleep without waking up with scrambled egg stuck to our back, tell the world who you really are and who really needs to eat breakfast in bed.
Dear person who invented Double Stuffed Oreos, I hate you. We are not friends. That is all.
Dear bowling alley owner, my family came to your place of business a few weeks ago. We were the family with two young boys who were itching for something fun to do and two parents who would rather throw our backs out playing a lame game of bowling than go to Monkey Joe’s or Chuck E Cheese’s. You don’t remember us? Oh, well that’s probably because we left immediately upon finding out that it would cost our family over $64 to bowl for two hours. I’m sorry but WHAT THE WHAT? The game is not THAT fun, and please don’t forget that you have to wear nasty-a shoes the whole time! Oh and you also have to deal with all the drunk people who were CLEARLY drunk before they came to your establishment because they willingly forked out all of that $$ on bowling... b-o-w-l-i-n-g! Yeah, the Ogdens will stick to bowling on the Wii. :) I'm sure you will do just find without our business.
Dear people who went to said bowling establishment and thought that $16 per person (adult or child) was an acceptable charge, what is wrong with you? Also, where do you work and do they have any openings? I’m talking to a lot of people here, because there was a freaking wait-ing list for a lane! There are 56 lanes! Please help me understand why our country is in a recession, people are complaining left and right about being broke and jobless and yet you people are WAIT-ING to pay gobs of money for this game. I. Do. Not. Understand. You.
Dear company who makes leather cleaner, you disappoint me. Let me explain. Weeks ago, my son drew a picture. While I normally appreciate my children’s creativity, I was not very fond of this piece of artwork, because the canvas was the seat of my favorite, cream colored, comfy, leather arm chair and the medium of choice was a blue ball point pen. After shamefully flipping my lid upon discovery of this new piece of art, I went to work on getting rid of it. I looked to your company’s product to make it all better. I slathered and scrubbed and yet your product failed me. I even went for the last resort of alcohol. No, no, not to drink... although that may have helped in other ways. I applied alcohol to the leather. That did get rid of some of the ink but it also bleached the color of my leather. I gave up and resigned to the fact that we just can’t have anything nice. Here is what I was left with...
Now that many weeks have passed, I believe I have found a better “art removing” solution, and I would like to help your company (even though you did not help me) by passing on this bit of advice free of charge. Please note this picture from today...
I’m sure you must be astonished by the stark contrast from the photo above and are wondering how in the world I managed such a remarkable improvement. Here’s the answer: My butt. Yes, you read that correctly. I sit in this chair daily to do my devotional and apparently all my leather needed was a good booty rub for 20-30 minutes a day. Feel free to add this cleaning tip to all your leather cleaning products. Your welcome.
Dear teacher who assigned my 7 year old child a report, I understand that you are working very hard to develop my child’s research, writing and public speaking skills. Thank you for your dedication to my child’s educational development. However, I have two complaints.
Firstly, you MUST have purposely picked my busiest week ever to assign this report. Therefore I can only assume that you hated the handmade soaps I gave you for Christmas. Noted.
Secondly, I’m not sure you thought things through very well. You wanted my child to write a report on a historical African American figure of our choice that includes the following information: “Tell when and where the person was born, died, any interesting facts about his/her life, and tell what accomplishments and why this person is important to the history of our country. Describe some of his/her most important historical contributions. You may discuss interesting facts that you learned about this famous African American.” You wanted us to include a rough draft. Was this last paragraph your example of what a rough draft looks like, because it was not clearly marked as an example, but surely this is not your best work. Also, you wanted my child to include all this information but you expected “the final paper [to] be written on the attached paper” which consisted of about 10 primary writing lines. Let’s be honest... you knew that wouldn’t work. Thank you for helping me work on my fine motor skills as I was forced to draw out four more pages of primary writing lines.
I give you a C- for this assignment and will be sure you don’t ever get anymore of my yummy olive oil soaps.
Dear people who read my blog, I still think you are at least somewhat mentally unstable for doing so, but I really, really appreciate that you took the time to read my open letter. Now, please also take the time and view our Both Hands project page!
Sincerely,
Mrs. Ogden
