I’ve had a few people asking me to blog more. Ha! I’m on demand. You people need therapy! I kid, I kid. Thank you all for reading my unintelligent writings that somehow pass for a blog. :)
Nothing really to update on the adoption front. We still need a miracle in funding and we are waiting for the US to give us our Article 5 for the girls. <---- Pray!
I wanted to share what’s been going on in my heart over the last few weeks as we’ve “readjusted” to the reality that our girls are coming home. I think some of you who have talked to me in person have picked up on the fact that I’m not jumping up and down like a lunatic when you comment about the miracle God performed for our family and how exciting it is. I apologize for being so stoic. Let me explain beyond the simple fact that this girl just doesn’t jump up and down unless there’s a roach, thanks to some double black diamond ski slopes in Colorado.
When we first received the “referral” (I use that term loosely) for the girls in February of last year, we were nervous and excited. As the months passed and we adjusted to the idea, we KNEW that bringing home three children at one time would be hard, HARD, SO HARD. We worked on preparing ourselves for the hard that would completely define our lives. However, I think there was still a tiny bit of grit and resolve in us that said, “We can do this. We can!”
Then we lost the girls. It was a really confusing time for us because we had no idea what number of children was the “right” number for our family. Should we just go back to two. Would we accept a different group of three? Would we be ok with just one? For me it was an adjustment of expectations and the realization that I just needed to trust the Lord... more.
When we began pursuing Eden, I must admit that Lance and I both kind of exhaled and said, “Man, one will still be hard, but three would have been crazy hard.” I think we quickly became more “comfortable” with the idea of just adopting one child. I mean we would actually be able to fit our family in my Nissan Cube! Lance and I might actually be able to go on a date every once in a while! I might actually get an hour of sleep once a week! We might actually be able to live a somewhat normal life!
Then apparently God laughed and said, “Look at Kristian. She’s so cute with all those ideas of ease and comfort.” I don’t think he really said that but who knows. I am cute though. That’s true.
Anyways, so here we are back to staring HARD in the face and guess what? The grit and resolve is gone. “We can do this. We can!” has been replaced with, “Oh God, we can’t do this! We don’t have what it takes! This is too hard!” and all of that is the absolute, honest truth. We can’t. We don’t. It is.
But our inadequacy and our fear of the unknown doesn’t change the fact that we truly believe God is calling us to walk this road. I believe he purposely chose this road for us specifically because WE can’t do this.
The Apostle Paul found himself on a road of hardship. In 2 Corinthians 12, he writes, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Over the last few weeks as I have looked ahead to where God is leading us, I feel that he has been preparing my heart for the trenches of adoption. The place where we are just completely in it, the new and exciting is gone, the girls are scared, the boys are hurt, we are exhausted and there’s nowhere to run except the strong arms of our Sustainer. He is preparing me to boast in my weakness so that HIS power may rest upon me. He is preparing me to be content with weakness and hardships.
The beautiful reality is our DAUGHTERS are coming home! There is joy and excitement and anticipation that the girls we love will soon be in our arms! Yet, with that lovely reality comes another one. The day that Lance and I board that plane for Ind*a we will leave our easy, comfortable, convenient life behind... forever. Everything will change. I will change, Lance will change, our marriage will change, our boys will change, our family will forever change. Our home will be filled with hurts and fears and anger and confusion and just flat out HARD. I am scared and grieving all that we will lose when we gain our daughters.
Before you jump to conclusions and say, “Well Kristian, if you have these feelings and think this is all too much, then maybe you guys should reconsider if this is really what God is calling you to,” hear me when I say that I believe God has brought me to this place, because when Jesus calls us to follow him we must count the cost. There will always be costs in following Jesus, and we are delusional if we think that He only asks for easy, little costs. In Luke 14:33, Jesus tells the crowds, “So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.” There are BIG costs involved with following Jesus and there are cost in this adoption beyond the $50,000+! Bringing home our daughters will cost us everything, and I believe God is preparing my heart to move forward in obedience with full awareness of these costs.
And before you think that I’m looking for a pat on the back for my "faithfulness", hear me when I say that EVERYDAY I fail! Everyday my flesh says, “NO! I don’t want to do this! I want easy! I want peaceful! I want comfortable! I want, I, I...” You can always recognize your flesh when you hear a bunch of “I”s inside your head. This is hard! It’s a battle! Daily I have to remind myself that it’s not about me and that in the end my reward is in Christ! I love these wise and convicting words of David Platt...
“Radical obedience to Christ is not easy... It's not comfort, not health, not wealth, and not prosperity in this world. Radical obedience to Christ risks losing all these things. But in the end, such risk finds its reward in Christ. And he is more than enough for us... My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus' words and walk away, content to settle for less than radical obedience to Him.”
So when you run into me and I don’t ooze excitement, just know that God is doing a lot of somber work in my heart preparing me for what lies ahead. We ARE happy and we ARE excited, but we are not blissfully unaware of all the costs involved. Pray for us, that God would give us courage and faith to do his will. Pray that, through the power and grace of Christ, we can love these little girls in a way that reflects how God the Father lavished his love on us... it cost him everything.
Now that I’ve laid my soul bare before you, I’ll leave you with a shameless plug for our Both Hands Project. Please visit and share this link!
And IF you share our link, you can view this video ;-) Love this song!
