I started writing a blog post many weeks ago (closer to the six month mark) to update you guys on how things were going. I had the whole darn thing written down to the very last paragraph and then BAM the power went out. Thank you summer storm. Of course, I had had this bright idea to write the blog in Pages instead of directly in Blogger which of course meant I had not saved my work (stupid) which means two days of blogging went down the drain. I almost cried. I mean under normal circumstances it sucks to lose your work, but when it takes EXTRA effort to sit down and blog it's completely devastating! I just couldn't bring myself to rewrite it all.
I've finally gotten to the point were I can sit and gather my thoughts again. So, YAY you get a blog post!
Our girls have been with us eight months now! In some way it feels like just yesterday we were picking nits in the hotel room but it mostly feels like they've always been here. I can hardly remember what it felt like to have just two kids. My mom tells me all the time how it feels like they've just always been part of our family and now she can't imagine life without them. I completely agree with her!
The girls have changed and grown so much! It's amazing what a difference eight months can make! They are all doing really well! They have adjusted way better than we could have ever hoped!
At the eight month mark, life is NORMAL for us. Having five kids is normal now. Having little girls is normal now. We are all totally past the "new" feeling and it's hard to believe our girls haven't even been with us a full year. Technically, things are still relatively new, but it all feels pretty normal. It finally feels like I'm living MY life instead of the life belonging to somebody else.
We've totally got this big family thing down. Okay, well maybe not totally, but we are getting the swing of it. Sometimes it still sounds weird when I hear myself say "We have five kids," and when I list off their ages "Eight, eight, seven, six and three," I have the same mental reaction as the person hearing my list. Like, "Whoa, that's a lot of kids!" But the actual living life with five kids is no longer alarming and feels quite normal now. Frankly, I think we could add a few more and it wouldn't make that big of a difference other than the fact we would need a bigger house and a bigger vehicle. I have to agree with the theory that somewhere around kid 3 or 4 (I'm not really sure which is the magical number because we skipped those) adding more children doesn't really make a huge impact. Don't worry, Lord willing we will NOT be adding anymore children to our family anytime soon, so you can relax. :)
Mealtimes and bedtimes work like a well oiled machines most of the time. Food and sleep are precious things to this mamma, so we don't play around with those! We've learned that we have to fix everyone's plates and serve them only when we, Mom and Dad, are ready to eat ourselves. Otherwise, by the time we sit down to enjoy our meal, at least one child is asking for seconds. Unfortunately I still haven't learned the art of cheap AND healthy meals so we spend more on food than we do our mortgage. We should have bought stock in Publix and SAMS Club!
Bedtime goes pretty smoothly. We have a pretty well worn ritual, but we still haven't solved the pesky problem of children getting up out of their beds several times for various reasons... "I can't sleep because it's hot." "It's almost 10pm and I'm going to die because I can't go to sleep." "He won't stop [insert one of the following: laughing, talking, farting, playing, looking at me, being mean, singing]." "My leg hurts." "I just had a bad dream (hasn't been in bed long enough to go to sleep) and I'm scared." "I can only go to sleep if I sleep in your room." "I need water." "I have to go to the bathroom again." You get the idea. Lance and I have to hide in our bedroom with the door locked.
Some other areas of normalcy... Herding fivecats kids across a busy parking lot is no longer panic inducing and more of a minor annoyance. I guess you just come to a place where you put way too much trust in your children and other drivers, and you just assume/hope that they will all make it. Haha! We've heard "Are they all yours?" enough times to validate having the answer printed on a t-shirt. I've embraced the concept that we will draw attention everywhere we go. All the children play and flight like normal siblings. We rarely even hear the Indian accents anymore even though it's quite obvious to others. Lance and I can go into a church service and don't have to worry about how the kids are doing (big plus). And most importantly, everyone loves Chick-Fil-A. Yep, normal is the name of the game at this point.
I'm sure "normal" sounds like a super great thing, and for the most part it is. The word "normal" means usual or ordinary. However, there are some things that have become usual and ordinary that aren't such great things, things that can be really difficult and frustrating. There are certain behaviors (I'll let you guess which child they belong to) that are a constant struggle. Dealing with them every now and then would be one thing, but dealing with them morning, noon and night for months on end is flat out exhausting, and it's definitely taken it's toll on me physically, mentally and spiritually. Of course when I'm not at my best it shows and that just leads to lots of guilt. It's actually very isolating, because I feel like I'm the only adoptive mom who is struggling with this or who makes these mistakes, but I know that's not true. In fact, so many adoptive moms have told me they are in the same boat. It's the norm nobody likes to talk about.
Actually, as much as I hate admitting it, a couple of months ago I felt like I was falling into a depression. I think I was so worn down and depleted I felt like I had nothing left to give. I don't think I've really ever been depressed before, so I don't know what that really looks like for me, but I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to be around any of the kids, and I was not so nice about that. I didn't want to make any meals or clean any part of my house. If I could have just buried myself in blankets and slept all day I probably would have. I woke up looking forward to bedtime and dreading all the time in between. I recognized that I was beginning to head down a slippery and scary slope, and I sure didn't want to know what was at the bottom of that slope. I decided I needed to pay more attention to myself and take time for myself when I needed it. Sometimes that looks like me just going to the store alone. Sometimes it looks like me spending thirty minutes curled up with some coffee and my bible. Sometimes it looks like attending a home school workshop. A lot of times it looks like me huffing on essential oils. I really can't say that things are 100% better or that I'm taking excellent care of myself. There's a lot more progress that needs to be made in this area but I'm trying.
I believe "self-care" is one of the things adoptive parents (and really parents in general), especially moms, should take more seriously and put more effort toward. As moms we tend to put everyone's needs before our own, because, well, our households just wouldn't work if we didn't. If your life looks like mine, you reach the end of the day to find that Johnny, Sue, and Mary all had nice baths, three meals and five zillion snacks, hours of self-gratifying entertainment, education, and whatever else was on the docket for the day, and you, Mom, had a cup of cold coffee, a half eaten slice of toast, no shower and a list of chores and tasks to complete. And the next day and the day after that all look pretty much the same. How can we expect that to not take a toll on us? Parenting is hard, but it's beautiful. It's the pouring out of your life for others, and what a blessing that is. But we can't give what we don't have. We need to replenish ourselves spiritually, mentally and physically so that we can effectively pour into the lives of those around us.
So mamma (or daddy), look at me (because that's what we say when we mean business, right)! You NEED to take care of yourself! As easy as it is to push your own needs to the back burner, you have to make self-care a priority. Whatever that looks like for you, do it! You have to take the time and make the effort to nourish your body, mind and soul, or you will wither and fade! We are finite. We have limits. We need good meals and exercise and sleep. We need time alone to think and relax. We need to have a listening ear instead of being one for a change. And most importantly, we need to turn our focus to the source of all strength, God, and recognize our deep need for him every day, every hour. We need a daily imparting of His grace and love in our hearts so that we can pour that out to our family.
I believe that one of the biggest parts of self-care for couples is keeping your relationship healthy. Lance and I are actually doing really well in this area. I've been so thankful for his love and support. He's the only soul on this planet who totally gets how hard things are and everything I struggle with. He knows all about my mistakes and shortcomings and yet he continues to support me and encourage me. I need that! We decided we needed to make it a priority to go on dates and such. We went on our first date back in May for a friend's wedding and it was like a gateway drug... we want more dates! We've been on three total now and two of those were weddings. We actually just booked a week long trip for our 11th anniversary in October and we are both super excited about it! California here we come! Thankfully, things are normal enough for us to do this! I never would have imagined we would be leaving our kids for a week before we had even hit our one year anniversary of the girls being home, but the hotels and flights are booked so we are and we cannot wait.
So, yeah, eight months have come and gone and things are pretty normal. Some things have gotten easier and some things have gotten harder. Despite the difficulties we face, I have to say that we are so blessed. We are honored and unbelievably humbled that God has entrusted us with five amazing children. Why he chose two screw ups for this job I have no idea, but I am thankful he did. While we may have felt a great spectrum of things, we have never felt any regret for our decision to adopt. This has been one of the hardest and most wonderful journeys God has ever led us on. It has made me so well acquainted with my need for Jesus and if that were the only thing I gained from this journey (it's definitely not) then I would say it was well worth it. I never want to come to a place in my life where I feel confident, content and sufficient apart from Christ.
If you would like to continue praying for our family, you can pray for each of us in the following ways:
Lance- Pray for contentment in where God has us right now and for wisdom to lead our family.
Kristian- Pray for an abundance of love and patience and grace. Pray for upcoming homeschooling.
Brayden- Pray for a loving and kind spirit toward siblings.
Khushboo- Pray for her teeth as she just got an appliance to fix her cross bite. Pray for her to build friendships.
Kashila- Pray for her eyes. We are trying to fix strabismus.
Asher- Pray for continued improvement in ability to deal with emotions and pray for a good school year for him.
Rabina- Pray for her to learn to seek attention in appropriate ways. Pray for my (mom) attachment to be more secure with her.
I'll leave it here for today. Next up will probably be about our homeschooling and not homeschooling (yes, both).
Lots of love! Until next time! -K
P.S. We got kittens because we didn't have enough warm bodies in this tiny house!!
I've finally gotten to the point were I can sit and gather my thoughts again. So, YAY you get a blog post!
Our girls have been with us eight months now! In some way it feels like just yesterday we were picking nits in the hotel room but it mostly feels like they've always been here. I can hardly remember what it felt like to have just two kids. My mom tells me all the time how it feels like they've just always been part of our family and now she can't imagine life without them. I completely agree with her!
The girls have changed and grown so much! It's amazing what a difference eight months can make! They are all doing really well! They have adjusted way better than we could have ever hoped!
At the eight month mark, life is NORMAL for us. Having five kids is normal now. Having little girls is normal now. We are all totally past the "new" feeling and it's hard to believe our girls haven't even been with us a full year. Technically, things are still relatively new, but it all feels pretty normal. It finally feels like I'm living MY life instead of the life belonging to somebody else.
We've totally got this big family thing down. Okay, well maybe not totally, but we are getting the swing of it. Sometimes it still sounds weird when I hear myself say "We have five kids," and when I list off their ages "Eight, eight, seven, six and three," I have the same mental reaction as the person hearing my list. Like, "Whoa, that's a lot of kids!" But the actual living life with five kids is no longer alarming and feels quite normal now. Frankly, I think we could add a few more and it wouldn't make that big of a difference other than the fact we would need a bigger house and a bigger vehicle. I have to agree with the theory that somewhere around kid 3 or 4 (I'm not really sure which is the magical number because we skipped those) adding more children doesn't really make a huge impact. Don't worry, Lord willing we will NOT be adding anymore children to our family anytime soon, so you can relax. :)
Mealtimes and bedtimes work like a well oiled machines most of the time. Food and sleep are precious things to this mamma, so we don't play around with those! We've learned that we have to fix everyone's plates and serve them only when we, Mom and Dad, are ready to eat ourselves. Otherwise, by the time we sit down to enjoy our meal, at least one child is asking for seconds. Unfortunately I still haven't learned the art of cheap AND healthy meals so we spend more on food than we do our mortgage. We should have bought stock in Publix and SAMS Club!
Bedtime goes pretty smoothly. We have a pretty well worn ritual, but we still haven't solved the pesky problem of children getting up out of their beds several times for various reasons... "I can't sleep because it's hot." "It's almost 10pm and I'm going to die because I can't go to sleep." "He won't stop [insert one of the following: laughing, talking, farting, playing, looking at me, being mean, singing]." "My leg hurts." "I just had a bad dream (hasn't been in bed long enough to go to sleep) and I'm scared." "I can only go to sleep if I sleep in your room." "I need water." "I have to go to the bathroom again." You get the idea. Lance and I have to hide in our bedroom with the door locked.
Some other areas of normalcy... Herding five
I'm sure "normal" sounds like a super great thing, and for the most part it is. The word "normal" means usual or ordinary. However, there are some things that have become usual and ordinary that aren't such great things, things that can be really difficult and frustrating. There are certain behaviors (I'll let you guess which child they belong to) that are a constant struggle. Dealing with them every now and then would be one thing, but dealing with them morning, noon and night for months on end is flat out exhausting, and it's definitely taken it's toll on me physically, mentally and spiritually. Of course when I'm not at my best it shows and that just leads to lots of guilt. It's actually very isolating, because I feel like I'm the only adoptive mom who is struggling with this or who makes these mistakes, but I know that's not true. In fact, so many adoptive moms have told me they are in the same boat. It's the norm nobody likes to talk about.
Actually, as much as I hate admitting it, a couple of months ago I felt like I was falling into a depression. I think I was so worn down and depleted I felt like I had nothing left to give. I don't think I've really ever been depressed before, so I don't know what that really looks like for me, but I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to be around any of the kids, and I was not so nice about that. I didn't want to make any meals or clean any part of my house. If I could have just buried myself in blankets and slept all day I probably would have. I woke up looking forward to bedtime and dreading all the time in between. I recognized that I was beginning to head down a slippery and scary slope, and I sure didn't want to know what was at the bottom of that slope. I decided I needed to pay more attention to myself and take time for myself when I needed it. Sometimes that looks like me just going to the store alone. Sometimes it looks like me spending thirty minutes curled up with some coffee and my bible. Sometimes it looks like attending a home school workshop. A lot of times it looks like me huffing on essential oils. I really can't say that things are 100% better or that I'm taking excellent care of myself. There's a lot more progress that needs to be made in this area but I'm trying.
I believe "self-care" is one of the things adoptive parents (and really parents in general), especially moms, should take more seriously and put more effort toward. As moms we tend to put everyone's needs before our own, because, well, our households just wouldn't work if we didn't. If your life looks like mine, you reach the end of the day to find that Johnny, Sue, and Mary all had nice baths, three meals and five zillion snacks, hours of self-gratifying entertainment, education, and whatever else was on the docket for the day, and you, Mom, had a cup of cold coffee, a half eaten slice of toast, no shower and a list of chores and tasks to complete. And the next day and the day after that all look pretty much the same. How can we expect that to not take a toll on us? Parenting is hard, but it's beautiful. It's the pouring out of your life for others, and what a blessing that is. But we can't give what we don't have. We need to replenish ourselves spiritually, mentally and physically so that we can effectively pour into the lives of those around us.
So mamma (or daddy), look at me (because that's what we say when we mean business, right)! You NEED to take care of yourself! As easy as it is to push your own needs to the back burner, you have to make self-care a priority. Whatever that looks like for you, do it! You have to take the time and make the effort to nourish your body, mind and soul, or you will wither and fade! We are finite. We have limits. We need good meals and exercise and sleep. We need time alone to think and relax. We need to have a listening ear instead of being one for a change. And most importantly, we need to turn our focus to the source of all strength, God, and recognize our deep need for him every day, every hour. We need a daily imparting of His grace and love in our hearts so that we can pour that out to our family.
I believe that one of the biggest parts of self-care for couples is keeping your relationship healthy. Lance and I are actually doing really well in this area. I've been so thankful for his love and support. He's the only soul on this planet who totally gets how hard things are and everything I struggle with. He knows all about my mistakes and shortcomings and yet he continues to support me and encourage me. I need that! We decided we needed to make it a priority to go on dates and such. We went on our first date back in May for a friend's wedding and it was like a gateway drug... we want more dates! We've been on three total now and two of those were weddings. We actually just booked a week long trip for our 11th anniversary in October and we are both super excited about it! California here we come! Thankfully, things are normal enough for us to do this! I never would have imagined we would be leaving our kids for a week before we had even hit our one year anniversary of the girls being home, but the hotels and flights are booked so we are and we cannot wait.
So, yeah, eight months have come and gone and things are pretty normal. Some things have gotten easier and some things have gotten harder. Despite the difficulties we face, I have to say that we are so blessed. We are honored and unbelievably humbled that God has entrusted us with five amazing children. Why he chose two screw ups for this job I have no idea, but I am thankful he did. While we may have felt a great spectrum of things, we have never felt any regret for our decision to adopt. This has been one of the hardest and most wonderful journeys God has ever led us on. It has made me so well acquainted with my need for Jesus and if that were the only thing I gained from this journey (it's definitely not) then I would say it was well worth it. I never want to come to a place in my life where I feel confident, content and sufficient apart from Christ.
If you would like to continue praying for our family, you can pray for each of us in the following ways:
Lance- Pray for contentment in where God has us right now and for wisdom to lead our family.
Kristian- Pray for an abundance of love and patience and grace. Pray for upcoming homeschooling.
Brayden- Pray for a loving and kind spirit toward siblings.
Khushboo- Pray for her teeth as she just got an appliance to fix her cross bite. Pray for her to build friendships.
Kashila- Pray for her eyes. We are trying to fix strabismus.
Asher- Pray for continued improvement in ability to deal with emotions and pray for a good school year for him.
Rabina- Pray for her to learn to seek attention in appropriate ways. Pray for my (mom) attachment to be more secure with her.
I'll leave it here for today. Next up will probably be about our homeschooling and not homeschooling (yes, both).
Lots of love! Until next time! -K
P.S. We got kittens because we didn't have enough warm bodies in this tiny house!!
Love this! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks. I will try to follow your advice on the self care thing.....
ReplyDeleteI love reading your updates. Your family is in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteYou are Amazing and I will continue to pray for you and your family. The youngest lil one is soo freaking adorable I have fallen in love with her.
ReplyDelete