My favorite time of year has arrived. Fall. There is just something about fall that speaks to my soul. Maybe it’s the crisp air or the colorful leaves. Maybe it’s the smell of spices or coffee. I don’t know... maybe it’s all of it. I just love fall!
Lance, the boys and I just got back from a trip to the mountains for a much needed vacation. Fall has certainly arrived in North Georgia! The weather was absolutely beautiful. We went to several festivals, we watched a parade, looked through old scrapbooks and took a couple of long rides in the Jeep. My mom and I spent some time together which I really enjoyed. She’s always so encouraging, uplifting and supportive... a stark contrast to certain others in our life. We didn’t do a ton of stuff, but it was nice just to relax. Sitting on the porch, overlooking the mountains, sipping on coffee and reading the Word... perfect.
My schedule has been brutal the last couple of months. I’ve been on two business trips, photographed multiple events, ran a bookstore for a conference, and had quite a few regular photo sessions. In a way, I think it’s been a good distraction from losing the girls, but I recognized that it was time for me to slow down and deal with all of this. I really needed this time away to take in the beauty of God’s creation, to just be a mom to my boys, simply enjoy some rest and mull over the events of the last month.
As I have thought more and more about it, I have realized how confused I am. People ask how I’m doing and I just say, “Okay,” because it’s hard to put into words what I feel since it changes so often. One moment I’m content and the next moment I’m angry. One moment I’m hopeful and the next moment I’m desperately discouraged. One moment I’m joyful and the next moment I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or how I’m supposed to view the unknown path ahead of us. How do I move on when there is no closure? How can I let them go when there’s still a flicker of hope inside of me that God will bring them back to us. He’s done it a couple of times already. I know he CAN, but I don’t know that he will. Do we pray for what we desire even when it seems foolish? When will we know it’s time to give up and let go? There are just so many questions and no answers that satisfy.
I love how God meets us where we are and provides exactly what we need in the moment. He did this for me yesterday. All of those questions were whirling around in my head all day. In the morning after I had just gone through a crying fit I read a passage that somebody posted on FB about waiting on God (I’ve included it at the bottom of this post). It was convicting and encouraging at the same time. It’s what my heart needed.
Then, moments later, I found a video that another adoptive mom had shared about God’s merciful dealings with Job (also included below). A completely different message but still exactly what my heart needed.
And finally, last night I went to the Jeeah’s Hope ladies dessert. It is basically a bunch of adoption/foster minded women who get together and encourage one another. It was so nice to be with a room full of people who get what I’m going through. They know how bad it sucks. After the full room had dwindled down to just four of us, I shared my frustration and confusion over not feeling a release from the girls. I was bouncing around ideas of what we could “do” to find further information that could help us have closure. My friend Gina, who was listening to us go back and forth, spoke up, and I swear what she said had the Holy Spirit written all over it. She said that when she has faced similar situations where she was trying control things and figure it all out she always felt anxious and conflicted (exactly how I have felt). She said she has learned that she has to open her hands up and just let God do whatever He’s going to do without trying to meddle in the process... without trying to control it. She said it way better than I can ever repeat it but, again, it was exactly what my heart needed.
At the end of the evening I strung all the pieces together... I need to be strong and take heart while we wait on the Lord. God is doing something beautiful in this. I need to stop seeking after the gift and seek more after the Giver. As I do this, He will increase my faith and my strength. I need to thank God for bringing me to this place. I need to praise Him for loving me enough to lead me here because it very well may have been the most merciful thing He could have done. I have to open my hands and watch God move. My hands are useless but His are masterful.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. -K
'Inner Strength'
"Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)
This side of eternity you and I are called to wait. We're called to recognize that the most important, most essential, most beautiful, and most lasting things in our life are things over which we have no control. No, these things are the gracious gifts of a loving Father. He never is foolish in the way he dispenses his gifts. He never plays favorites. He never mocks our neediness. He never plays bait and switch. He never teases or toys with us. His timing is always right and the gifts that he gives are always appropriate to the moment. He is kind, faithful, loving, merciful, and good.
The One on whom we wait is a dissatisfied Messiah. He will not relent, he will not quit, he will not rest until ever promise he has made been fully delivered. He will not turn from his work until every one of his children has been totally transformed. He will continue to fight until the last enemy is under his feet. He will reign until his kingdom has fully come. As long as sin exists, he will shower us with forgiving, empowering, and delivering grace. He will defend us against attack and attack the enemy on our behalf. He will be faithful to convict, rebuke, encourage, and comfort. He will continue to open the warehouse of his wisdom and unfold for us the glorious mysteries of his truth. He will stand with us through the darkness and the light. He will guide us on a path we could never have discovered or would never have been wise enough to choose. He will supply for us every good thing that we need to be what he's called us to be and to do what he's called us to do in the place where he's put us. And he will not rest from his work until every last microbe of sin has been completely eradicated from every heart of each of his children!
Yet, with all of this being true, we find it hard to wait. We aren't always "strong" in our waiting. No, waiting for many of us becomes a time for increasing fear, doubt, discouragement and susceptibility to temptation. As faith grows weak, our resolve begins to dim, and we begin to secretly wonder if its worth it to obey.
Why? Why do we struggle to be "strong and take heart," when we are being called to wait? Perhaps the answer is found in Romans 4: 18-21.
"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father
of many nations, just as it has been said to him, 'So shall your
offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that
his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years
old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver
through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened
in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God
had the power to do what he had promised."
Why did Abraham grow stronger in faith as he waited those many long years? It isn't because he played mental denial games. No, the passage makes it very clear that he faced the facts of the situation head on. In his time of waiting, Abraham had a very different experience than we often do because Abraham did something that we often fail to do. Here it is. The temptation, in times of waiting, is to focus on the thing we are waiting for, all the obstacles that are in the way, our inability to make it happen, and all of the other people who haven't seemed to have had to wait. Along with this we rehearse to ourselves how essential the thing is and how much we are daily losing in its absence. All of this increases our feeling of helplessness, our tendency to think our situation is hopeless, and our judgment that waiting is futile.
While it's true that Abraham considered the facts, they weren't the focus on his meditation. No, his focus was on the God who had made this promise. Everyday Abraham would get up and remind himself that the God who'd made the promises on which he was waiting was absolutely able to deliver them. The God who made heaven and earth would have no trouble causing an old woman to deliver a promised child! Abraham didn't fill his mind with his own weakness and the seeming futility of the situation. No, he filled his mind again and again with the glory of God's immeasurable power, and as he did, he grew stronger and stronger in faith.
Somewhere in your life you are being called to wait. In your waiting, you are being given an opportunity to deepen and strengthen your faith. So, get up tomorrow and fill yourself with vitamins of truth. Nourish your heart with the nutrient food of the glory of God. Feed on the strength-giving meat of his goodness, grace, and love. Snack throughout the day on his power and his presence. And watch the muscles of your heart grow stronger as the days go by. Feed on your Lord and be strong!
--Paul David Tripp
