Wrecked

It’s November (just in case you missed that fact the last two weeks) and that means people everywhere are thankful. They are thankful for their family... they are thankful for their friends... they are thankful for their jobs... they are thankful for their churches... they are thankful for their pets... they are thankful for their favorite coffee creamer... they are thankful. It’s good to be thankful! I applaud those who can list their thankfulness on a daily basis for thirty days. I would probably be behind by day four and give up by day seven. 

I do, however, want to share something that I am really, really thankful for this year. I am beyond thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to wreck me completely. This past year, the Lord has broken me and I don’t believe I will ever be the same person I was before. This is a good thing. This is a God glorifying thing and I am thankful for it!

God has particularly wrecked me over the last couple of weeks. Just as I felt I had made it to the surface and could take in a deep breath of air after weeks of drowning in grief and confusion, God made it very clear that he is not done with me yet. Y’all, God pointed out some really ugly stuff inside me and has been smashing that stuff to bits... and I am so very thankful. I had no idea that I had this ugly pride and selfishness holed up inside me, but God knew, and he loved me enough to not let it stay there. He has to break me so that he can build be back up into something that looks more like Christ. 

When we lost the girls in September, deep down, I knew that God was doing a beautiful thing. I fought it like crazy because it hurt, but I knew that one day I would look back in awe of how perfectly God orchestrated EVERYTHING. After these last two weeks, I am 110% positive that God is indeed doing a beautiful thing. I don’t exactly know what the end result will look like, but I know that it’s probably nothing like what I expected and I’m finally at a place where I’m okay with that. I’ve had to die to so many expectations during this process. Even just yesterday I had to die to another one! I’m telling you, God has just taken a wrecking ball to me.

I realize that I've talked about our adoption a lot in recent posts, but it's important for me to document this journey and the growth it's producing. I want others who might be considering adoption or foster care to know that there is SO much more to orphan care than meets the eye. It's not just about the orphan and it's not just about the parent. It's a whole beautiful tapestry of perfection that God sews stitch by stitch and I want to be sure that I take note of every portion of it.

I read this portion of Spurgeon’s exposition of Psalm 142, and I thought I would share it with you because, well because Spurgeon is awesome, and because I thought it went nicely with what I’m trying to say. 

Is it not a curious thing that whenever God means to make a man great, He always first breaks him in pieces? There was a man whom the Lord meant to make into a prince. How did He do it? Why, He met him one night and wrestled with him! You always hear about Jacob’s wrestling. Well, I dare say he did, but it was not Jacob who was the principal wres- tler—“There wrestled a man with Him until the breaking of the day.” God touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh and put it out of joint before He called him “Israel,” that is, “a Prince of God.” The wrestling was to take all his strength out of him and when his strength was gone, then God called him a prince. Now, David was to be king over all Israel. What was the way to Jerusalem for David? What was the way to the throne? Well, it was round by the cave of Adullam. He must go there and be an outlaw and an outcast, for that was the way by which he would be made king. Have none of you ever no- ticed, in your own lives, that whenever God is going to give you an enlargement and bring you out to a larger sphere of service, or a higher platform of spiritual life, you always get thrown down? That is His usual way of working! He makes you hungry before He feeds you! He strips you before He robes you! He makes nothing of you before He makes something of you! This was the way with David. He is to be king in Jerusalem, but He must go to the throne by the way of the cave. Now, are any of you here going to Heaven, or going to a more heavenly state of sanctification, or going to a greater sphere of usefulness? Do not wonder if you go by the way of the cave. Why is that?

It is, first, because if God would make you greatly useful, He must teach you how to pray! The man who is a great preacher and yet cannot pray, will come to a bad end. A woman who cannot pray and yet is noted for the conducting of Bible classes, has already come to a bad end. If you can be great without prayer, your greatness will be your ruin! If God means to bless you greatly, He will make you pray greatly, as He does David who says in this part of his preparation for coming to his throne, “I cried unto the Lord with my voice: with my voice unto the Lord did I make my supplication.”

“David’s Prayer in the Cave” by Charles H. Spurgeon 

I also want to say that I am thankful for those of you who have continued to lift our family up in prayer. I know that your prayers are being heard! If you would like to pray for specific things, you can pray that God would send some information that we have been seeking our way as quickly as possible. You can pray that if and when we do get that information that God would guide us clearly. You can also pray that the Lord would continue to provide for our adoption fees and travel expenses. We probably need to raise another $15,000 and you can view our fundraising page here.  :)

Until next time! -K