Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?

Psalm 42

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you

from the Land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your waves have gone over me

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,

and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock: "Why have you forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning because of he oppression of the enemy?"

As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me,

while they say to me all the day long, "Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him my salvation and my God

I try so hard not to get my hopes up about things, yet I do... I can't help it. I always get my hopes up and so often I am disappointed. The cycle has played out again... again I got my hopes up and again I am disappointed. 

I had really hoped and believed that the case heard for evidence on July 2nd was our case. It took several days for them to post the notes from the case online and each day that passed my heart sank lower and lower. This morning at 7:30 the notes were finally there. While Lance and the boys were asleep I checked the notes in silence and quickly learned that Case No. 92 was for a little boy... not three little girls. Definitely not our case. I shed a few quiet tears and went back to sleep. 

I've been low in my spirits today as the reality that we now have no idea where we are in the court process sunk in. My hopes of traveling by the end of August disintegrated into thin air. The "end" that I could almost touch with my hand just disappeared over the horizon. I'm tired and weary.

As I read Psalm 42 tonight, I was reminded my hope is in God, my salvation. So, while my soul is cast down I am going to follow in David's footsteps and remember the Lord from the Land of Jordan (or the Land of Adoption). I want to recount what the Lord has done because I SHALL again praise him!

Remember with me and let us rejoice over all that God has done! Let's start from the very beginning...

• God opened our eyes to see the beauty of the gospel and to understand that we ourselves were once orphans, but because of the great mercy and love of God he sought us out relentlessly and now, through grace, we are heirs with Christ! Praise the Lord!
• God made it so perfectly clear to us that we were to adopt. He led us to India and gave us a desire for daughters! Praise the Lord!
• God gave us the most amazing Valentine gift ever in 2013 when we saw K, K and R for the first time. He gave us the peace and courage to move forward with what seemed totally crazy! Praise the Lord!
• God has given us prayer warriors and Godly council to direct us, challenge us, prepare us and support us throughout this journey! Praise the Lord!
• God opened so many doors and lead us as we navigated uncertain waters. Praise the Lord!
• In May 2013, when we sent in our dossier God provided the $15,000 we need in less than 7 days! Praise the Lord!
• In September of 2013 when we lost the referral for the girls God sustained us. He so beautifully comforted us and gave us peace beyond understanding. Praise the Lord!
• In November 2013 he led us to Eden and he taught our hearts to trust him and seek him more fervently. He taught us to pray with faith. Praise the Lord!
• Because of our pursuit of Eden, we were connected to the founder of the Forever Families Foundation who later so generously gave us the grant that brought us to being fully funded. Praise the Lord!
• In January God performed a miracle and he brought our girls back to us! Despite our confusion over Eden, he made it so clear to both me and Lance that this was the work of his hand and this was the path we were to walk in. Praise the Lord!
• In February, a year after first seeing their faces, we held K, K and R's official referrals in our hands! Praise the Lord!
• In March God blessed us with an amazing Both Hands project in which we were honored to serve Ms. Wright. God provided over $11,000 through this project! Praise the Lord!
• When our agency lost accreditation in March, God protected us and provided for us! We didn't lose any of our funds and our transition to a new agency was smooth! Praise the Lord!
• In April we received our Article 5 Letters from the US Embassy saying we had approval to make the girls US citizens! Praise the Lord!
• In May, we were FULLY FUNDED! God provided over $60,000 for our adoption! Praise the Lord!
• Also in May we received our ARC and NOC approval in record time! Praise the Lord!
• On Mothers Day God provided a vehicle that would fit our family of 7! Praise the Lord!
• In June our girls got to see pictures their family for the first time! Praise the Lord!
• God directed me to the court websites where our case can be tracked! There is progress in this court! Praise the Lord!
• God will continue to move on behalf of K, K and R! Praise the Lord!
• God will bring them home in his perfect time and he will comfort us all while we wait. Praise the Lord!

May we always remember all that the Lord has done for us on this journey! When our soul is cast down, may the remembrance of his faithfulness bring us peace and joy!

If you would like to pray for us, you can specifically pray that the next case being heard on July 11th will be our case. You can also pray that God would work our travel plans perfectly around Brayden's 8th birthday. He does not want us to be in India on his birthday and I want to be sure that we can properly celebrate his eight years of life! Finally, you can pray that God would be with the girls and comfort them while they wait.

Thank you so much for your continued prayer and support!

Until next time! -K

Adoption Update

Today, I wanted to give an adoption update! So many of you have asked where we are so hopefully this will explain things well.

First, I want to share some awesome news with those of you who have followed our journey for a while. Toward the end of 2013 after we had lost the referral for the girls, we began pursuing a little girl we named Eden. She is a beautiful little six year old with a very unique special need and she completely stole our hearts. In January of this year, when we received word that we had been miraculously matched with K, K and R, we had to give Eden back to the Lord and trust Him with her future. This was incredibly hard for me and I have cried MANY tears over this because I love Eden. She will always be a daughter in my heart. 

Not long after we began moving forward with the girls, I received word that Eden was actually matched with a family. We began looking into this to be sure that it was true. If it was true, then had we not been matched with the girls and had continued pursuing Eden we very likely would have discovered that she was not available to be adopted. Just a couple of weeks ago it was confirmed that Eden is matched with a family. We don’t know who or where her family is but we rejoice over God’s provision for such a precious little one. He has answered the prayers of many! Thank you to those who earnestly prayed for her!

Ok, now on to what’s going on with us...

As you probably know, we received the coveted No Objection Certificate back in May. We believe our case has been entered into the court system, but we aren’t 100% sure since we’ve not received any official news from the home (not for lack of trying). I honestly just don’t think the lawyers tell the home anything until court is over and done with, but that’s just my opinion. 

I’ve been tracking court cases online. Each state has their own court system and they are all set up differently. Some states court cases are easier to track than others. I got a few pieces of key information which led me to a specific district court where I found a lot of adoption cases including ones for girls home. BINGO!!! I researched (think hours in front of the computer) loads of adoption cases so I could learn the system. It appears that cases move swiftly through court with this particular judge. I found one recent case (#92) that mentioned the submission of a scrutiny report AND an NOC report. I think this is our case but there's a chance it's not. 

There is a hearing for Case #92 on July 2 (this Wednesday or Tuesday night for us). Based on the court notes from other cases, after this hearing we should have a pretty good idea if this is really our case or not. If this IS our case, then there should only be one other hearing which is where it will be approved or denied. 

Once our case is approved then K, K and R will be officially our daughters and then we will be able to share their pictures and full names. Can’t wait for this!

After verbal orders comes written orders. This can take a couple of weeks. After written orders, they will apply for the girls’ passports and then... WE GET ON A PLANE AND GO GET ‘EM!!!!!!

We just applied for our Indian visas. We drove up to Atlanta on Friday and turned our applications in. We should have these back sometime this week or next week! 

I’ve been nesting off and on. I’m trying to get our house ready.  Brayden helped me put together an IKEA storage shelf for the girls room. 

Some of you have asked if we have everything we need. Uh no, no we don’t have everything we need. Here is a list of things we need for the girls:

• leggings or “under shorts” in any color (sizes 2T, 3T, 4T, 5T and 6/7)
• undies in any color, or character (sizes... yeah I don’t know. see sizes above)
• socks in any color (maybe sizes 4-12??)
• pajamas; preferably short sleeve or sleeveless night gowns (sizes 3T, 4T, 5T, 6/7)
• baby dolls in any skin colors and doll accessories 
• dress up clothes up to size 8
• girly books
• appropriate toys
• Need to borrow an Ergo or toddler sized wrap (for child up to 30-35lbs) that is comfy.

Y’all pray for my sanity as we go through this final phase. I swear adoption brain is 10 times worse than pregnancy brain. You can’t trust me to remember anything! I’m just so ready to go and there’s so much to do... I need prayer.

Alright well, that’s the update! Hopefully another post coming on Thursday!

Until next time! -K

Words

I’ve held back from sharing this post for a while. Sometimes the raw, untainted truth isn’t such a pretty thing. We live in a society where we only put the best of ourselves forward and we can do that because the true “us” hides behind our Instagrams or our FB profiles or our blogs. Even in flesh and blood we’re fake people. You know you have a true friend when you can bare your soul with them and share all of your shortcomings and downfalls and they shake their head and say “I totally understand,” and they really do. I have a handful of these friends and what a blessing it is... but the topic of friendship is a topic for another day. Today I’m going to talk about words.

Words are interesting little things. They are just a combination of symbols, sounds and inflections. They are lifeless things yet carry with them such power, such weight. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Death and life... these are not things to be taken lightly. With our words we can crush and defeat, and with our words we can build up and breath hope. We choose. Everyday. 

Over the last 10 years Lance and I have heard a lot of hurtful words from people whose words tend to matter the most, but I would say about 50% of those wounding words have been spoken over the last year and a half as we have gone through one of the most difficult times of our lives. These words have not brought hope, joy, encouragement and life, rather they have brought pain, stress, discouragement and death. And the really sad thing is, they were spoken with the intention of “helping” us and making us better. Funny how that works.

The other day after another dose of hurtful, discouraging words, I found a quote online. It says, “There comes a point when you have to realize that you’ll never be good enough for some people. The question is, is that your problem or theirs?” I began to think about all the damaging and critical words that have flowed into our ears and I was saddened by the effect it’s had. I cannot count the times we’ve said to each other, “Nothing we do is good enough.” and “We can’t do anything right.” Maybe it’s not our problem but theirs. 

Then, I began to think about all the critical words that have flowed OUT of my own mouth and into the ears of my children, and I was utterly devastated by that reality. I thought about how quick I am to criticize. Maybe it’s not coming out and saying “You suck,” but it’s little criticisms all the time like “Why can’t you keep your room clean?” “Your handwriting on this is sloppy!” and “You need to stop being ungrateful!” Lets be honest, when you add them up day after day, from their point of view, they really say the same thing... and the sad thing is these critical words were spoken with the intention of “helping” them and making them better! This is the not-so-pretty truth of things and I’m not proud of it. 

It’s easy for me to let these little criticisms slide out and yet I have to be so intentional about affirmations and encouragements. Why? Why is death so easy to find on the tongue? Its always right there, ready and waiting. But life? I have to search for life on my tongue. I have to seek after it, but when I find it and bring it forth, it so beautiful, so wonderful. So why is that? Maybe because death is alway the easier choice because it’s our natural inclination... our sin nature. Sin is death.

I don’t ever want my children to look back over their life (or even their week) and think “I’m never good enough” because that would be our problem not theirs. I love my boys, and I think they are amazing kids with so many awesome, God given gifts and characteristics. My words should reflect that! James 1:26 says, “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.” I’ve been asking God to help me bridle my tongue and to send me life giving words to pour into my children.

Words... just combinations of sounds and symbols and yet so, so much more than that. We have the power to speak life and death into those around us. We have a choice. Everyday. What are you speaking to the people in your life? 

Until next time. -K

Gardening and the Christian Life

This spring, Lance and I planted a small garden. He laid the bed and planted the seeds, and I've nurtured them and helped them grow. He says this sounds just like making babies... 

Anyways, nobody told me gardening was addictive! Before I knew it, we (Lance) had ripped up our overgrown shrubs that were in the front of the house and we planted some new plants in their place. If we were made of money I would have a full English garden by now, but our Lowes gift card ran out so we stopped  buying plants. Sad day.

I don't even know what kind of bushes we pulled up, but I replaced them with Indian Hawthorns which are quite hardy. I also planted a lovely Hydrangea with purple/blue blooms in a spot where a scraggly rose bush once lived (it came with the house). Hydrangeas are some of my favorite flowering plants and this one was particularly beautiful. One of the blooms on this Hydrangea was almost 10 inches in diameter! Huge! I'll come back to my gorgeous Hydrangea in a minute.

I really and truly didn't expect to love gardening. I've always seemed to have a "black thumb" and have never had much luck with plants. I even killed a bamboo plant once. So, I just assumed it would become another chore I put off, but I love it. I look forward to going out every morning to water the plants and see what has changed. I even love pulling weeds. I wish laundry had the same appeal.

I also didn't expect to glean so many lessons about the Christian life from gardening. This has come as a complete surprise. It seems like every time I spend a few minutes surveying the fruits of my labor I always walk away pondering life; growth, faith, pain, joy, grace, provision, etc. 

Ok, so back to my Hydrangea. I planted it in late March, and it was my pride. The blooms were huge and it seemed to be doing well. I was really enjoying it, but, as the days got warmer, I started noticing something that concerned me. The edges of the leaves were starting to burn up. This plant only got a handful of hours of sunlight but it was the afternoon sun. Being an amateur gardener, I didn't know that in the South Hydrangeas really like morning light and afternoon shade. 

As the days passed, I decided I needed to move the Hydrangea to a shaded spot if  it was going to live. I knew leaving it where it was would eventually kill it. So, I got out the shovel, put the edge to the ground, stomped on it and dug up my beloved Hydrangea. I dug another hole and placed the root ball in the ground and covered it with soil. I patted down the dirt and watered it. As harsh as it seemed to dig it up, it was the only way I knew to save it. 

I tend to give my plants personalities... I'm weird. This Hydrangea did not like me digging it up and moving it somewhere new. It was quite comfy in the place where the sun beams rained down... even if it's leaves did burn up. It was used to that spot and would have preferred not to leave it, but I knew if it had stayed there it would die. For a couple of weeks after digging up it up, it seemed as though I had not saved my plant but killed it. It appeared the transplant had been too much for my Hydrangea to bear. It drooped. The blooms shriveled and browned. It was pitiful. My plant was in shock, teetering on the edge of life and death, but I continued to water it and check it because I believed I had done what was best for it even though I was taking a gamble that my plant might die. 

Yesterday, I went out to check all of my plants and as I got closer to my Hydrangea plant, I noticed something really awesome... new growth! Around each stem, under the shriveled blooms, there were little sprouts of green, heathy, new leaves. I was so excited to see this and instantly I began to relate to this Hydrangea plant. 

There are times in the Christian life when God has to dig us up! Sometimes he has to remove us from our comfy spot in the sunshine or else we will shrivel up and die. It's strange... to us, what feels like living is, in reality, dying. We've laid our roots and taken hold of the soil around us. Because of this, we don't want to be dug up. We don't want to move. We don't want to go through hardship. We don't want to be scared. We. Just. Don't. Wanna!

But unlike me, God is no amateur gardener. He doesn't take a gamble with our lives. He knows what we need... exactly what we need. He knows when digging us up is the BEST thing for us. While digging us up my take us out of our comfort, he does it to produce growth in us so we can live in a way that pleases Him. 

He is not unkind when he puts his shovel to the ground. He is perfectly loving and tender as he unearths the most vulnerable parts of us and lays them bare to be cared for by his expert hand. He sustains us when we are weak. He never leaves us even if we feel abandoned in the shadows. He supplies all our needs even when we feel nothing but despair. If we are a part of HIS garden then we have no need to fear because HE is an expert gardener and he love each of his plants. 

God, help us to embrace the times when you dig us up. Help our roots to grow strong in YOU and not the world around us. Give us courage so that we can be obedient even when it means leaving our comfort behind. Be our strength when our soul is weary and we feel as though we cannot go on. Produce growth in our lives that glorifies you and speaks of your wonderful grace! 

Until next time! -K

On the beach we forget to count the days...

...unless you're adopting. You always count days when you're adopting. 

Last Sunday, the boys and I loaded up the van (thank God for having a van) and headed down to the beach. It's been two years since we've been to the beach and I am so very grateful that Lance's aunt allowed us to stay in her lovely condo for free, else we would have not come to the beach. Lance had to work (saving his single week of paid vacation for India) but he was able to come down last night just in time for low country boil and he is staying until Sunday. The boys and I leave Monday. My parents and sister also came down which I was super excited about.

It's been beautiful here; a bit of rain the first couple of days but nothing too bad. The water has been crystal clear; no sea weed, no algae, no trash, NO JELLY FISH. Unfortunately the beach is crowded. Lots and lots of people. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever seen the beach so full. You almost cannot walk up and down the beach peacefully without tripping over sun bathers. I could totally do with less people but whatever.

I needed the beach so bad. I needed the relaxation. This adoption has chewed me up and spit me out. I just needed to get away from everything, forget my phone and computer (for a good chunk of the time) and have fun with my boys. I still had a ton of work to do that I left behind. Actually I did bring it with me but I can't get the card reader on Lance's computer to read my card so I can't get to the work! If you are some of that work, I'm REALLY sorry. Please forgive me for the delay, but trust me, it's probably better that I to do the work after than before. I promise I will get work done next week!

The sand and the waves have been therapy for me. There's been a lot of time for little chats with God, simple reflections, deep self-reflections, and a whole lot of just nothing other than enjoying my family. It's like a balm for my weary soul. The tan is just a bonus.

My friend asked me the other day if the beach has made me forget about the adoption. Well, no, but I'm not stressed about it. Although, I do think about and long for the girls a lot. It's hard for me to look out at the boys playing in the sand and not wonder what the girls would think about going to the beach for the first time. 

I met up with another Indi-momma down here on Sunday night. She and her husband just recently came home with their little boy from India. He is a heart stopper! I just want to eat him up, but that's kind of against adoption attachment rules. Totally not fair because his eyelashes alone are drool worthy. Seeing him reminded me that they really do come home... in the flesh. It's a strange feeling of awe and longing. I feel this same way when I see our friends' little girl, Shanti, who came from the same home as K, K and R. Just watching her run around in our church halls blows my mind. Some days the need for the girls to be home is almost palpable. On days like these no amount of sand and sun can make me forget that there are six little bare feet that are running around an orphanage in India when they should be running up and down the beach with us. 

A lot of people have been asking if we have any updates. No, not really. I think, THINK our case is in the court system but we won't really know that for sure until maybe July 3rd. The courts close for the whole month of June so I've told myself to just take a chill pill and enjoy my simple, easy life with two kids for four weeks. On July 2nd/3rd I can freak out to my heart's content (complete oxymoron), but for the month of June I'm gonna chill. What's that you say? Ugh, don't call me a liar, that's rude. ;-)

It's been a week since I mailed off our photo book to the girls. I am praying that they will get it and enjoy it. I wish I could be a fly mosquito on the wall when they open it up and see all the pictures of themselves and their new family. I saw how excited K1 was about Shanti's book so I can only imagine how much they will love seeing it. I'm guessing, "Man, these people are WHITE!" will be the main thought!

It's been FIVE, count em, FIVE weeks since I mailed our passports off. I really sorta kinda need to get those little books back so we can send them off again for visas <---- this kind of makes me nervous because there is a lot of confusion about visas right now. Don't ask... I don't know. See? Totally confused. I just know our passports need visas sooner rather than later.

Well, I think that's it for now. I think I'm going to go relax some more. :)

Until next time! -K

10 Years Ago Today

Ten years ago today, Lance got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. He says I didn't say "yes" but obviously I indicated that in some way since we are indeed married. Y'all, my boy did well! Not many can top his proposal!

We had taken a trip with our church college group to Alcala de Henares, Espana (AKA Alcala, Spain) to visit our friends Brent and Jade Collins who had been living there for about a year. I loved Spain! It was my first taste of Europe and I can't wait to one day go back. I love history and architecture and culture so of course I LOVED Spain!

Our first day in Alcala!

The city of Alcala is old and awesome! Cobblestone streets, little cafes and shops, siestas, roses the size of your head... I can still remember what the air smells like. I often miss the cafe con leche we drank every morning that tasted like dirt. Totally random info, but Bath and Body Works Coconut Lime Verbena is one of my favorites because that's what we used in our hotel room in Alcala so it always takes me back to Spain when I smell it.

Well, it just so happened while we were in Spain, the Spanish Price was getting married. It was a big deal! Similar to the British Royal weddings. They were selling china with their pictures on it... we passed on that.

The day the prince was getting hitched, we hopped on a bus and went to the beautiful city of Segovia. This city is breathtaking. It felt like going back in time. More cobblestone streets, narrow ally ways, ancient Roman aqueducts... and a castle.

This is the castle Alcazar. Alcazar was a fortress built in sometime in the 11th or 12th century that later housed royalty. It's shaped like the bow of a ship and was the refuge of Queen Isabella. Christopher Columbus may have walked these halls. But more importantly to me than all of that, this is the place where Lance asked me to marry him. I told you he did well!

Alcazar of Segovia

We actually could have gotten married in Spain that day. They were PAYING people like ∉500 to get married the same day as the royal wedding. After dating for four years, we briefly thought about it, but we figured that wouldn't sit well with our parents. Regardless, it was a really special day!

Before we went into the castle.

He was so nervous!

It's hard to believe that a decade has passed since we climbed the narrow spiral stairs to that tower and looked over those stone walls. Life goes by so fast and so much changes! I'm so very thankful for the husband God gave me and the life he has blessed us with.

I believe this was our day in Madrid.

Happy "Proposal Day" Lance! I love you more! -K

Unlocked

For a few days now, I’ve battled internally about when I should open up our blog again. I was torn because a lot of me wants it to be open so people can freely follow our journey of adoption and keep up with our family, but another part of me is a protective momma bear who doesn’t want to risk any chance of facing another devastating loss. I asked other adoptive Indi-mommas and I got mixed opinions, so I decided to pray to the ultimate authority and ask the Lord to lead me. Why this wasn’t my go-to option I don’t know.

After some conviction in my heart, I came to the conclusion that I needed to open it back up again. Here are the things that I led me to this conclusion:

• We have NOC and that is one of the most crucial milestones in an Indian adoption.
• I was reminded that I am still not in control of this journey. The reality is that locking my blog down really doesn’t give me any control. God’s will ultimately will come to fruition, and that’s been proven many times in this process.
• By trying to be in control and protect things, I’m not able to be an encouragement to those who might be in the process of adoption or considering it or even just people who are struggling knowing if God cares or provides or works miracles. 
• I want my blog to proclaim the greatness of our God! He has been moving mountains and parting seas for our girls to come home, and I want to shout about it from the rooftops!
• My blog is set to be unsearchable. You can’t google our names and find our blog. You can find a lot of other things but not this blog. I will change this once we get our verbal court orders. 

So there you have it! Welcome to the unlocked Spin Cycle Diaries! :)