Thankful for YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you all have had your fill of great cookin’ and got lots of hugs from family and friends. We are up in the North Georgia mountains with my family and it’s been a great break. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. That’s what I’m talking about. :)

I was thinking this morning about all the many blessings that God has bestowed upon our family. We have so much to be thankful for. One of the things that we are exceptionally thankful for is you guys. We are so grateful for the friends and family who love us and support us... especially those of you who have supported us over the last year as we have traveled on this adoption journey. So many of you have prayed for us, counseled us, blessed us, encouraged us, rejoiced with us, mourned with us... high and low, you’ve journeyed with us. I cannot imagine going down this road without you all! There just are not words that are adequate enough to express our gratitude. Thank you!

Because you all are such an important part of this journey, we want to open up and be real with you guys. We have been reluctant to share this, but we want you to be aware of where we are right now. Our main motivation for sharing this is to recruit more prayer warriors. We feel a heavy burden to pray and pray hard. We covet your prayers for this situation!

Many weeks ago, God began to burden our hearts for a specific little girl who has been waiting for a family for years because of her “special need”. We most definitely did not see this coming... at all! God completely wrecked me in ways I never expected, and while it was tough, it was a beautiful thing. We aren’t real sure what God is doing, but he is definitely up to something! As weeks passed our hearts for this this little girl grew bigger and bigger, and we both felt very strongly that we were supposed to pursue her. So, for the last few weeks that is what we have been doing. I cannot wait to share all the ways that God has worked to bring us to this place. It’s truly amazing and I am completely overwhelmed by it.

I really cannot go into further detail, although I’m dying to. I want to be honest and say that we have no clue how this will all play out. It could be months before we know anything. We don’t know if God is taking us down this road because this is our daughter or for another reason, but we are trusting that he will continue to lead us faithfully as he has over the last year.

While I can’t tell you where she is or much of anything else, I will share that we have seen her face, her beauty is mesmerizing, and we have given her the name “Eden” (we aren’t fond of the “nickname” she has been given at the orphanage). 

So, please, please, please, pray for Eden and for us. I cannot stress enough how strongly burdened we are to pray for her and for this situation. I’ve mentioned spiritual warfare before and I believe that we are at war right now. Will you join us in battle? Will you send up prayers for this precious one? 

I love this quote by Helen Keller, 

“I cannot do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.”

You can do something and that something is praying. 

Here are things you can pray for:

-Pray for Eden; that God would protect her and comfort her.

-Pray for our agency; that God would give them wisdom and favor.

-Pray for the workers at the orphanage; that they would communicate well and send the info we need.

-Pray for us; that God would give us peace and strength as we wait for answers and that we would trust in God’s sovereignty.

Thank you once again for all of your support! You are a blessing to our family! -K

P.S. - In order to guard the hearts of our children, we have decided not to tell them about Eden until, God willing, we receive state approval. Please be conscientious of that. :) 

Wrecked

It’s November (just in case you missed that fact the last two weeks) and that means people everywhere are thankful. They are thankful for their family... they are thankful for their friends... they are thankful for their jobs... they are thankful for their churches... they are thankful for their pets... they are thankful for their favorite coffee creamer... they are thankful. It’s good to be thankful! I applaud those who can list their thankfulness on a daily basis for thirty days. I would probably be behind by day four and give up by day seven. 

I do, however, want to share something that I am really, really thankful for this year. I am beyond thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to wreck me completely. This past year, the Lord has broken me and I don’t believe I will ever be the same person I was before. This is a good thing. This is a God glorifying thing and I am thankful for it!

God has particularly wrecked me over the last couple of weeks. Just as I felt I had made it to the surface and could take in a deep breath of air after weeks of drowning in grief and confusion, God made it very clear that he is not done with me yet. Y’all, God pointed out some really ugly stuff inside me and has been smashing that stuff to bits... and I am so very thankful. I had no idea that I had this ugly pride and selfishness holed up inside me, but God knew, and he loved me enough to not let it stay there. He has to break me so that he can build be back up into something that looks more like Christ. 

When we lost the girls in September, deep down, I knew that God was doing a beautiful thing. I fought it like crazy because it hurt, but I knew that one day I would look back in awe of how perfectly God orchestrated EVERYTHING. After these last two weeks, I am 110% positive that God is indeed doing a beautiful thing. I don’t exactly know what the end result will look like, but I know that it’s probably nothing like what I expected and I’m finally at a place where I’m okay with that. I’ve had to die to so many expectations during this process. Even just yesterday I had to die to another one! I’m telling you, God has just taken a wrecking ball to me.

I realize that I've talked about our adoption a lot in recent posts, but it's important for me to document this journey and the growth it's producing. I want others who might be considering adoption or foster care to know that there is SO much more to orphan care than meets the eye. It's not just about the orphan and it's not just about the parent. It's a whole beautiful tapestry of perfection that God sews stitch by stitch and I want to be sure that I take note of every portion of it.

I read this portion of Spurgeon’s exposition of Psalm 142, and I thought I would share it with you because, well because Spurgeon is awesome, and because I thought it went nicely with what I’m trying to say. 

Is it not a curious thing that whenever God means to make a man great, He always first breaks him in pieces? There was a man whom the Lord meant to make into a prince. How did He do it? Why, He met him one night and wrestled with him! You always hear about Jacob’s wrestling. Well, I dare say he did, but it was not Jacob who was the principal wres- tler—“There wrestled a man with Him until the breaking of the day.” God touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh and put it out of joint before He called him “Israel,” that is, “a Prince of God.” The wrestling was to take all his strength out of him and when his strength was gone, then God called him a prince. Now, David was to be king over all Israel. What was the way to Jerusalem for David? What was the way to the throne? Well, it was round by the cave of Adullam. He must go there and be an outlaw and an outcast, for that was the way by which he would be made king. Have none of you ever no- ticed, in your own lives, that whenever God is going to give you an enlargement and bring you out to a larger sphere of service, or a higher platform of spiritual life, you always get thrown down? That is His usual way of working! He makes you hungry before He feeds you! He strips you before He robes you! He makes nothing of you before He makes something of you! This was the way with David. He is to be king in Jerusalem, but He must go to the throne by the way of the cave. Now, are any of you here going to Heaven, or going to a more heavenly state of sanctification, or going to a greater sphere of usefulness? Do not wonder if you go by the way of the cave. Why is that?

It is, first, because if God would make you greatly useful, He must teach you how to pray! The man who is a great preacher and yet cannot pray, will come to a bad end. A woman who cannot pray and yet is noted for the conducting of Bible classes, has already come to a bad end. If you can be great without prayer, your greatness will be your ruin! If God means to bless you greatly, He will make you pray greatly, as He does David who says in this part of his preparation for coming to his throne, “I cried unto the Lord with my voice: with my voice unto the Lord did I make my supplication.”

“David’s Prayer in the Cave” by Charles H. Spurgeon 

I also want to say that I am thankful for those of you who have continued to lift our family up in prayer. I know that your prayers are being heard! If you would like to pray for specific things, you can pray that God would send some information that we have been seeking our way as quickly as possible. You can pray that if and when we do get that information that God would guide us clearly. You can also pray that the Lord would continue to provide for our adoption fees and travel expenses. We probably need to raise another $15,000 and you can view our fundraising page here.  :)

Until next time! -K

Closure

Closure. It’s such a tidy sounding word. I kind of feel like Inigo Montoya saying, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” I think when most people throw out the word “closure” they mean it in a tidy way. They want closure to be tidy... nice and neat with a bow on top.

Let me tell you what closure is NOT. Closure is not having everything figured out. Closure is not letting go. Closure is not being “OK” with everything all of a sudden. Closure is not the end of grief. Closure is certainly not everything wrapped up in polka dot wrapping paper with a cute little bow on top. Closure is not tidy.

Having said all of that, I think that Lance and I are finding some closure regarding the girls. Hang on a second, because now I’m crying...

I think for me, closure is just the acceptance of a new reality. I haven't let go but I’m moving forward. I just don’t know where forward is going.

Over the last week I have found some release from the girls and after an email from our agency this morning, I think we have come to a place where if we received another referral we could consider it. We are still not expecting a referral anytime soon, though. 

For those of you who continue to pray for us, you can pray that God would be gracious and match us with our child(ren) quickly. Pray for God to continue giving us more "closure" and peace.

Of Hand Hewn Wood

I am alone in a small, dimly lit room with stone walls. I sit with my back against the only door. One locked door. One huge, heavy, depressingly locked door. There are no windows... no glimpses of what lies beyond this room. I only see this place.

Slowly, I twist my body and press my shoulder and face against the smooth, solid door. The massive planks are perfectly hand hewn wood and held together with... well, I don’t know what holds them together, but I know what they hold in. Me. 

I long to run my fingers along the door... understand it... figure it out, but my hands are wrapped across my torso and held there by thick canvas sleeves and leather straps. I know I need this jacket, but I hate it! I pull and tug for a moment. Useless. 

Taking a deep breath, I press my face harder against the door. While I can’t see anything or hear anything, I can feel it. I know deep down that there is something there on the other side. Something good. Something perfect. Yet, I can’t imagine it.

As I lean my back against the door once again, I gaze around the room at the hard, cold stones that hold me in this place. All over the walls there hang parchments of paper. They all say different things. They change constantly. Everyday.

So many of the parchments say lovely things. It is as though they sing to my soul. They make me feel alive in this place. Yet, there are some that bring restlessness. They even seem to be written in my very own handwriting. Sadly, I am often drawn to these. 

I roll onto my knees and stagger as I stand to my feet. One of these parchments has caught my eye. One of those. It’s about 3 inches above my head and it reads, “Flip me over for a chance to move on.” I can’t reach it. I struggle and fight, because... because... 

I stare at the cruel words. I have no idea why I fight. I know it does me no good. It only makes me feel helpless. How can I not try, though? I know there is something beautiful on the other side of that door. I want to move on from this place... this hard place.

My eyes shift to another parchment that reads, “Fear not, for I am with you.” My soul says, "Yes." I relax.  Another one reads, “Wait for Me, be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for Me!” My soul says, "Yes." I wait and I am encouraged. Peace. But then...

Taking a few needy steps to my left, I read another short set of words. “Find the loose stone.” Shallow hope and deep anxiety fill my heart. It’s here! Can I find it? I search intently. I prod at stones with my elbows until my bones and my heart are bruised. Useless.

Now, the tears come like they always do. Why did I let go of the peace? I sink onto the stone floor. My arms and chest fold onto my knees. Sobs wrench my frame. Breaths are harsh and staggered. This is where I end and He begins... again. 

One..... two, three.......... four. I count the tears as they drip off my nose and splat against the cool, grey stone. Light from the bulb above reflects off the small puddle they created, and it reminds me of something... the sun. Yes, the Son... I need His light. I need Him more.

I jerk my head up as I hear the door open. “Hi, Mommy! I got a smiley face today!” “Hey, Mom! Are we going anywhere other than home?” “Hey boys! How was your day? Bray, we are going home and You guys need to do your homework, because we have karate in a couple of hours.” I follow the car ahead of me and pull out of the school parking lot toward our house.

They have no clue. They don’t see the wooden door, the stone walls, the canvas sleeves and leather straps, or the parchments. No one really does. Well, just the one Carpenter who made that perfect, massive door. He knows. He sees.