Because He Loves Us

I sat in a pop up camper with a few other India-mommas and a glass of wine. Two of us were on on the "gotcha" side of adoption and the other two of us were on the "waiting" side of adoption. As we sat there talking about all things adoption, I confessed. I let it out. I told my friends what I feared the most at that moment. 

"I'm so scared," I said like I was trying to shove stubborn words out past my front teeth, "I'm scared that it's all going to fall apart. I'm scared that we will lose them somehow. There's no way I can handle that."

Little did I know, as I sat there sipping wine, that I would face that very fear a mere week later. That fear would become my reality. It would all fall apart. We would lose them.

September 19, 2013 was one of the worst days of my life... ever. You can read about that day here. 

I can't even count the number of times I asked God "Why?!?!?!?" hoping I would wake up the next morning with the revelation of why God had allowed our girls to be taken away and given to another family. We had taken a huge leap of faith and followed where we felt He was clearly leading us. We stood firm on this decision even when others told us we were in over our heads. Yet after so many wide open doors, He slammed this door in our faces. Why?

Today, I think I can answer that question... because He loves us. He loves us more than we could ever begin to comprehend. He loves us too much to leave us alone. 

Our pastor shares this J. I. Packer quote often, and I just love it so much...

"And still He seeks the fellowship of His people and will send them both joy and sorrow to detach their hands from the things of this world and attach them to Himself’."

While losing our girls was one of the hardest things we've ever faced, I truly believe it was one of the most loving things God could have done because it forced us to detach our hands from this world – from three little girls – and attach them to our Father in Heaven. We learned to praise him despite our pain. We learned to trust him even in the dark. He was all we had and we learned that He really was enough. 

Today, a year later, as I stand on this side of the sorrow being the legal mommy of those same precious girls, my heart is exceedingly grateful for God's love – a love that allowed us to face our fear so we could find our hope, a love that allowed us to feel real pain so we could find true joy. 

Don't misunderstand me. God is not unsympathetic to our pain. He is not unkind in how he deals with his children. He sees our tears. Jesus says "blessed are those who mourn because they will be comforted." He is our comforter. 

Consider Mary and Martha who wept over their brother Lazarus. Jesus loved them. He waited until their brother was stinking dead so that they could witness Lazarus' resurrection. Maybe that's what they needed to see so they would truly believe Jesus' resurrection. Maybe Jesus waited so they would detach their hands from this world and attach their hands to himself. Yet,  knowing the miracle he was about to perform, he sympathized with their devastation. He wept with them. Yes, Jesus loved them.

So, my brothers and sisters in Christ... for you who are waiting, for you who are hurting, for you who are searching, for you who are being crushed, for you who are in mourning, for you who are in the dark... for all of you who are asking "Why?!?!?!?!?" for whatever reason, take a breath and trust with all your heart that the answer is because he loves you. He loves you...



Until next time. -K