So it’s been a full year since we announced we were planning to adopt. It’s been 9 months since we started our home study. I can’t believe how fast it’s flown by! So what has my first year as an “adoptive momma” looked like? Ha! Well, let’s just say there were a lot of things I didn’t know this time last year...
I didn’t know how emotional I was until we started this process. I have done a lot of crying this past year. Happy tears, amazed tears, humbled tears, scared tears, angry tears, heartbroken tears, thankful tears, depressed tears... you name it and I’ve cried over it. Good grief adoption can turn a woman into a hot mess fast! And apparently my cries are not limited to my own situations. I cry over other people’s, too... even people I’ve never met. Who cried over a random adoption blog post while sitting in a parking lot three days ago? *raises hand*
I didn’t know we were in for more than we bargained for. If you had asked me what I thought about people who adopted three siblings at one time, I would have responded with “Three? As in 1-2-3? Yeah those people are crazy. We are crazy for wanting two, but those people? Yeah, they aren’t just crazy... they are bat poop crazy!” Us adopting three little girls? No. Freaking. Way. Shut. Up!! Yeah, we definitely got more than we bargained for!
I didn’t know the spiritual forces of evil would hate us so much. When we had our major theological shift toward reformed theology, back in 2009, it was a huge pendulum swing. Without realizing it, I really pushed away from the super sensitivity to the spiritual realm that I was accustomed to growing up. I’m not saying that I didn’t believe in spiritual warfare, but more that I just wasn’t concerned with it. I believe this was an error on my part. Lance and I have been under constant spiritual assault since two days before we first saw those three little faces. We’ve had attacks from almost every direction. Satan certainly hates adoption.
I think if I could give only a few pieces of advice to people starting out the adoption process, one of them would be to prepare for spiritual battle... pray over your family, pray over your home, pray over your finances, pray over your relationships, pray for your future adopted children, pray! On top of that, memorize scriptures so that when you face these attacks you can remind yourself to “Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.” (Eph 6:10-18)
I didn’t know that God would provide. I hoped that he would, but I don’t think I fully trusted in Him to provide what we needed financially. I still have trust issues about this as we are not yet fully funded. However, God absolutely has provided every penny that we have needed so far. Back in May, our agency told us we needed to send in $15,000 (yes, $15k) for the orphanage fees when we sent in our dossier. She gave us a deadline and that left us with a week to get the $15,000. We had about $4,000 in our Clements Arts fund from all my photography sessions but we had no clue where the other $11,000 was coming from. We had applied for a matching grant from a local organization and we were told it could be up to $8,000. Um, yes please! We waited hoping it would come through just in the nick of time, but it did not. I was scared. We set up this page and began to spread the word. It was so humbling to see people give. I cried a lot during this week. Of course I cried over the incredibly generous gifts, but I also cried over the $10 and $20 gifts from people who don’t even know us. God provided every bit of that $15,000, and we were able to send it in with our dossier. We did end up getting a $3,000 matching grant after the fact. :)
I didn’t know how much I would fall in love with children I’ve never met... children who were birthed by another mother. Surely the love isn’t the same as the love I have for my own flesh and blood children, right? There’s really not much difference... just distance. I am already protective and wanting what is best for them. I think about them constantly. I day dream about them running around our little house, eating at our kitchen table (the new one that will seat more than 4), taking baths in the tub. And then I also day dream about their tantrums, their manipulation, their restless sleep, their tears of grief, and on and on. Which brings me to the next thing I didn’t know...
I didn’t know just how much brokenness comes with being an orphan and I guess I still don’t REALLY know yet. As much as I thought I was going into adoption with a well rounded view of what life would be like bringing two (remember we got more than we bargained for) little girls home, I was really just imagining a fairytale. Words/phrases/names such as RAD (radical attachment disorder), self stimulating behavior, sensory overload, abandonment issues, weighted blankets, Dr. Purvis and a long list of others were not even a part of my vocabulary one year ago. As this year has progressed, Lance and I have learned so much in preparation for bringing home three beautiful and broken little girls. I stare at their pictures and reflect the smiles that I see on their faces, but then my heart begins to grieve for the brokenness that know is behind those innocent smiles and big black eyes. I want to fix it... kiss all their hurt away... make them just be simple little girls with no story of loss. I didn’t know how much this would break me down... and they aren’t even here yet.
I didn’t know how much their brokenness would reflect my own, because I was an orphan once, too. There in the garden, as Jesus prayed before lawless men came to carry him off to be crucified, he knew my brokenness, the brokenness that would come from being an orphan... a child born into sin. Before I was ever aware of it, he loved me and he desired to fix the brokenness in my heart. The difference is that HE is the only one who actually CAN heal brokenness. He gives beauty for ashes and an oil of gladness for those who mourn. As we face the process of healing that will come for our girls, I pray that God continually allows me to be reminded of and humbled by my own brokenness and my own need for healing.
There is so much I didn’t know in September of 2012, and yet, as I sit here typing these words, as if I have somehow moved up to the next knowledge level in the game of adoption, I realize there is still so very much I don’t know. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe if I truly saw what lies ahead for us I would pick up my fairytale, “princess mommy” skirt and hightail it in the opposite direction. Maybe if I counted the buckets of tears that are yet to be cried I would want to trade them in for my old comfortable life of complacency. One thing I do know is that God is faithful to give us the grace and strength we need for today. He doesn’t give us today what we need for tomorrow. So whatever September of 2014 looks like for the Ogdens I know God will be faithful then as well.
Hopefully we will have an update on our case to share soon. We are still waiting for Ind*a to officially mach our dossier with the girls, so if you think about it, please pray for movement.
Until next time! -K
