When Your Biggest Problem Is Yourself

The first weekend in March, I was able to get away for a conference/retreat for adoptive and foster mommas. It's called Created For Care and is all the rage in the adoption community. I had signed up for it back in August, because you have to register within the first 10 minutes that they open registration or you won't get in. I wasn't even sure I would be able to go since we didn't know when we would be traveling to get our girls and we certainly didn't know how things would be once they were home. I signed up just in case.

My roommates Rachel and Natasha! Love these girls!

Natasha and I took a wreath making session.

All the India Moms!

Anyways, obviously I made it, and it was wonderful. It wasn't one of those conferences where you walk away glassy-eyed and mouth open, because your brain just took an entire college course in a single day. No, it was pretty easy going with things like karaoke and craft making mixed in. There were some sessions that were heavier than others, but honestly, I got just what I needed... a break. I had almost two whole days free of anyone calling my name, hitting their brother, pooping in their pants, etc. It gave me a lot of time to step back and assess the last few months of our new life.

While I had time to clear my mind and recharge my batteries, I came to grips with what I had already slowly started to realize over the last couple of months... my biggest issues with our adoption transition are my own personal issues. My selfishness. My insecurity. My need for control. My lack of self-control. Me... it's me.

All my expectations of how life would be hard and overwhelming once our girls came home had mainly revolved around our kids issues (whatever those might be). I thought THEY would be the hard part. While they do have their own issues (all five of them), that's not really the hard part. I am the hard part. I am my own problem.

Never in all my life have I related so much to Paul's words in Romans 7. He says,

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

That's me! I know in my head all the things I should and shouldn't do, but yet I continue to do all the wrong things and not do the right things. I've never been as well acquainted with my own sin and weaknesses and shortcomings as I am now. 

Sometimes, I lay in bed at night completely discouraged by myself as I replay all of my mistakes from the day, and I just want to run away... from me. I lay there, gritting my teeth, swearing to myself that tomorrow will be different. I will be different tomorrow. And at the end of that tomorrow I'm laying in the same bed once again completely discouraged by myself. 

I often wonder why God chose me to be the mother of these kids (even the ones I birthed) because so often I feel like they deserve better than me. Somebody who has it all together. Somebody who doesn't lose their temper. Somebody who can spend all day playing with their kids and still keep the house tidy. Somebody who naturally smiles and laughs all the time. Somebody who can really loosen up and be fun and carefree. Somebody who is more disciplined and organized. Somebody better. 

But I can't forget my own theology that God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't say "Whoops!" His plan is perfect, and for those who love Him it is ultimately for their good and His glory. I know that our family is divinely designed, and that design, for whatever reason, includes this broken and sinful mom full of weaknesses and shortcomings. I may never know why He chose this life for me or me for this life, but I know I can trust Him. I have to trust Him.

I wish I could say that I have found the perfect formula to help me overcome my problem of "me" – some special scripture to write on the mirror, some secret schedule to help me start my day off right, some awesome book that spells everything out – but I can't because I haven't. The only thing that I have found to cling to is this...

So I say "My endurance has perished; 

so has my hope from the Lord."

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, 

the wormwood and the gal! 

My soul continually remembers it 

and is bowed down within me. 

But this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope: 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness. 

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, 

"therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:18-24

His mercies are new every morning. He is my portion. I just need more and more of him until there's less and less of me. <--HOPE

Until next time. -K

A SLAM PACKED Three Months Home!

February 10th was our 3 month-iversary of our “Gotcha Day”! It seems like it was forever ago, but we’ve only been with our girls for about 90 days! Weird! I'm still kind of in shock that they are actually here... officially part of our family! 

Left pic is in India

Left pic is in India

Left pic is in India

Fun with Taylor and Brayden-ette

Nap time routine

All three girls in my wedding dress! They loved it!

I gotta say this has been a SLAM PACKED three months! I mean you may just break out in a sweat by the time you get done reading all that has gone on since we got home in November!

I’m going to skip the obvious Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff. If you’re disappointed by that, go ahead and take a few minutes to imagine lots of food, lots of gifts and the addition of three little Indians or go read my Reflections post. :)

Candle Light Service on Christmas Eve

Our traditional Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant

Rabina and Aunt Raleigh

Walking at Meeks Park in Blairsville

Basically, as soon as we got home, we started “getting things in order.” This is kind of the sucky part of adoption. After you’ve gone through years of paperwork and jumping through all sorts of hoops, you get to do even MORE of it when your adoption is complete. The good news and the bad news is that you get to do it with a clingy toddler in your lap! I guess they want to be sure you don’t feel under-challenged when you get home.

The first thing we did was start working on new health insurance for our whole family, but most importantly for the children. For the last couple of years, we had a type of co-op coverage that was great for people like us who never go to the doctor. Unfortunately, it covers only emergency type stuff so all your doctor visits have to be paid for out of pocket. Knowing our girls dental bills alone would be tens of thousands of dollars, we decided we needed to get something that covered what we needed. Thank the Lord we found our perfect match! Everything we needed done would be covered and it would save us so much money!

However, the insurance company would NOT add the girls to the application because right now their legal names are basically their first names plus “FNU”. This stands for “Family Name Unknown” or “First Name Unknown”. I guess they didn't want them to be cool like Madonna and just have one name. Side note, it’s kind of hysterical when doctors offices and such try to pronounce FNU as a real last name... “Fuhnoo? Fnoo?” LOL! Anyways, the insurance company was saying we would have to wait until we changed their names before they would cover them. I called BS on that and bugged the snot out these people until finally I got SOMEBODY who understood that they could just change their names later. One thing I’ve learned through adoption is that nobody will fight for your child like you! Sometimes, in the best interest of your child, you have to be persistent beyond what seems reasonable.

Once we got the application for the kids started, we had to wait several weeks for things to be approved. This was really frustrating, because, in the meantime, Khusboo’s teeth began causing her a lot of pain. In December we took her to see a new dentist, Dr. Keller, because she was in so much pain. He took x-rays, looked around and determined that she had a couple of pretty major abscesses. We decided as soon as we got our insurance squared away we would need to put her under general anesthesia to take care of everything at once. She was so nervous in the chair so this was the best option. Seeing Khushboo go through so much pain during these weeks was so very hard. Regular tylenol and motrin wouldn’t touch the pain. I thought I would kill her kidneys because of how much and how often I had to give her meds. She was constantly saying, “Mom, teeth pain!” I really felt like she began getting upset with us for not taking away the pain. I tried so hard to explain why we had to wait and promised that we would get her teeth fixed but it seemed so far away!

On top of the insurance stuff, we began our re-adoption process. Yes, RE-adoption. I know, I know, you thinking, “Are you freaking serious?” My feelings exactly! Basically, while our adoption was final and we are legally their parents, we needed to go through local courts so we could change names and get U.S. birth certificates. This will make life easier for everyone! The downside to re-adopting is that is cost another $2,000 to do. We began this process mid December and are still waiting for it to be completed in the courts.

In January we got to celebrate Khushboo and Kashila’s birthdays for the very first time WITH them! We had planned to do one small birthday party for both of them, but after they told us that the orphanage would celebrate Kashila’s birthday but not Khushboo’s we felt like we really needed to celebrate each girl separately. We told them we would take them for a special birthday dinner wherever they wanted to go. Kashila wanted rice and soup so we picked Chef Lee’s and Khushboo wanted pancakes so we went to IHOP! It was so amazing to finally be with them for their birthdays. They loved the attention! 

Also in January we began homeschooling again. This has certainly been challenging with a three year old and Asher! I’m not sure which is more challenging. It’s been hard trying to figure out what the girls know and what they don’t. They seem delayed in some areas and advanced in other areas. They are usually eager to study, but I think we need to create a more rigid schedule for them. We have been considering putting the older four into public school for the rest of the year just so I can have a bit of a break, but I just haven’t had a peace about that. I really love home schooling when things go smoothly. I think we just need to find our groove.

We had the girls dedicated at church in January. What a special day that was to stand before the body of believers who have prayed for us and supported us and who were now covenanting with us to help us shepherd our new daughters hearts as they grow into young women who we pray will learn to fear and love the Lord at a very early age. It would have been completely perfect had Rabina not been trying to reach down my shirt and meow like a cat in front of the entire church. Yes, toddlers are so fun. Sadly I have no pictures of this yet.

We went to the social security office to try to get social security numbers for the girls so we can file our taxes. If you’ve ever been to the SS office or any other government facility then that sentence is all you need to read to know how that day went.

Mid January, we got all of our insurance squared away! We went back to the dentist for Kashila and Rabina. While Kashila hasn’t been in pain like Khushboo, her teeth were still pretty bad so we decided to put her under general anesthesia as well to get it all done at once. We scheduled their procedures for February 6th. Rabina’s teeth were perfect! Praise the Lord!

Since we finally had medical coverage, we also scheduled doctors visits for the girls. They had their eyes checked, their ears checked, and all the regular stuff. After discussing their health history, the doctor ordered battery of blood work, lead screenings, TB tests, and stool samples. 

We got the tests and blood work completed a couple of weeks ago. This was an excruciatingly long day. We were told the girls couldn’t eat before their appointment and Rabina was NOT happy about that at all. Cramming a mom and five bored kids into a tiny exam room is a recipe for disaster. I don’t want to do that again for a really long time! The girls did really well with all the sticks! They were so brave! We left tired, grumpy, and hungry with stool sample kits in hand. Hey, at least we had something to look forward to. 

Asher took this during our super long doctors visit

The same day we went to the doctor, the Monday night before the girl’s dental procedures, Khushboo took a turn for the worst with her teeth pain. She came in our room late that night crying about how bad she was hurting. They had given her some stronger pain meds but it wasn’t touching the pain at all. She began running a fever the following day and her face swelled up horribly. She stayed in bed all day that day. Thankfully we were able to get her in to see the dentist and he gave her a hardcore antibiotic and a much stronger pain med. We thought we might have to take her to the ER that night because she was complaining about her throat hurting and not being able to breathe well. We thought the swelling might be spreading down her throat. We waited a bit and finally she went back to sleep. The meds really helped! The fever was gone and swelling went down.

Khushboo's swollen face

On Wednesday, we had to take the girls back to doctor to get their TB test spots read. This should have been a very quick and easy ordeal, but both Khushboo and Kashila had positive test readings. I was super depressed about this because I felt like the medical stuff would never end! They told us we would need to go to the hospital for more blood work for the Ks and chest x-rays for all three girls!

Also on Wednesday, we had dental cleanings for Brayden and Asher to get them established with our new dentist (LOVE Dr Keller btw). Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment. We almost didn’t make it to the appointment because the fuss that was made over the TB reads. Thankfully my mom came to help me watch the girls in the waiting room while I went back with the boys.

Last Friday was TEETH DAY! After weeks and weeks of waiting, we were getting those chompers FIXED! The girls were just so amazing! They skipped into the hospital and didn’t act nervous at all. The procedures went really well. Both girls had multiple extractions. Khushboo needed a bit more extensive work and she woke up in a good amount of pain. By the time Khushboo had come into recovery, Kashila was already sitting in Lance’s lap playing on the ipad as if nothing had ever happened. We went home around 3:00 in the afternoon. Poor Khushboo was pitiful. She threw up several times from the anesthesia. I had to give her some anti-nausea meds to help her. 

 

By Saturday the girls were feeling much better! Khushboo was saying her pain level was lower than it was before the procedure! Those were awesome words to hear! By Sunday they were just about normal! We are all so thankful that our dental woes are behind us! Khushboo is like a totally different child! She talks and smiles much more now! I'm loving seeing her blossom now that she is pain free.

This Tuesday, we went to the hospital for the girls additional TB tests. Our precious friend Allison kept the boys all morning for us! Once again the girls were total champs with the blood work and x-rays! No tears at all! Rabina had to be held in place for her x-rays and the moment she was released ran into some office up the hall while I was checking on the Ks. She is a fast little booger! The staff was great and gave them big teddy bears and snacks! We still haven't gotten the results from any of this. I'm kind of assuming, since TB is pretty serious, no news is good news.

Are you sweating yet? HAHA! I'll stop here so you can go rest. :)

Speaking of rest, I will be getting a 3 day break the first weekend in March because I will be going to Created 4 Care. It's an adoption/foster care conference for moms! This will be my first time, but I've heard so many people rave about it! I'll be rooming with a couple of fellow India moms. I think we are all really looking forward to the time away to refresh. I'll probably post a blog about it once I get home. 

Until next time! -K

Happy Valentines Day!

Words fail where tears don't. My heart is full this Valentines Day because three of the people I love most in this world are no longer just in my heart but in my arms!

Lions and toddlers and bears! Oh My!

After being with our girls for three months, I have a suggestion to ALL the adoption experts out there who write books, put together seminars, create videos and write articles....

You NEED to dedicate and entire chapter, session, video or whatever to the subject of "how to deal with adopted toddlers" and maybe even one for "the survival techniques for living with FEMALE adopted toddlers". Despite all the training we went through to prepare ourselves for parenting our adopted kids I feel like I was least prepared for the little diva dictator who ran into my arms on November 10th (aka Rabina). I thought she would be the easy one. *Maniacal laughing and knee slapping*

I remember seeing this picture for the first time and saying "If she will never stop kissing me with those sweet little lips she can have all the chocolate her heart desires." Ok well, that was a load of crap. She most certainly cannot have all the chocolate her heart desires, because her heart desires chocolate about 90% of the time. And while I do LOVE her kisses, I've realized she uses those sweet little lips to manipulate (God help us when she becomes a teen). In fact, just as I was typing this blog, I had to tell her to stop trying to open her sisters' body wash. She climbed into my lab while I was telling her this and kept interrupting me with kisses so that I would stop telling her what she didn't want to hear. Seriously, she is so not like that shy, baby-ish, little girl I made up in my head.

Admittedly, I remember 3 being not so fun with Brayden and Asher. I'm no stranger to the terrible twos or the tyrannical threes, but apparently when you throw ovaries and adoption into the mix it's a completely different ballgame ballet. I mean what the heck? So all you people who said "Oh wow! You will have your hands full!"... you weren't even talking about the fact that we would have five kids! You were solely talking about the fact that we would have a female toddler! It's called clarification, people! CLARIFICATION!

I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago as I chatted with a fellow adoptive mom who is also learning that she is living under the dictatorship of a threenager (I was informed this was the proper term after my last blog post). Parenting an adopted toddler is harder than parenting a biological toddler for many reasons, but I believe this is the key reason: You didn't ease into toddler life. 

When you have a biological child, you watch that precious baby grow and go through  all the stages. You go through the sleepless nights, the transition to being mobile, the teething, the separation anxiety, and eventually after a couple of years you ease into toddler life. Toddlers are loud, they are bossy, they are opinionated, they are demanding, they are fast, they are devious, they are hilarious, they are cute and they are so many other things. But no matter what challenges you face with your biological toddler, you have the previous years as a foundation. You've nurtured them, rocked them, spoiled them, met every need and built a trusting and loving relationship. So, when they turn into a toddler you can deal with it fairly well.

With an adopted toddler, you have none of that. You haven't watched them blossom and grow from a itty bitty little baby. Nope, one day you don't have a toddler and the next day you absolutely, undeniably have a toddler – a toddler who has learned that screaming, hitting and spitting are adequate ways to get needs met, a toddler who has been basically dropped into a family where there are rules to break and boundaries to push and oh so many ways to get attention (bad and good). And you? You're completely blindsided (no matter how prepared you thought you were) and instantly plunged into life with a toddler you've had no relationship with. That makes things a lot harder.

In all honesty, I find myself really struggling with Rabina. It's hard. I want so bad for things to be like the fantasy in my head, where we are perfectly bonded and best buds (you know because she's the easy one) but they aren't. This cute little girl has flipped my life upside down and as much as I love her, sometimes I'm not as loving as I would like to be and know I should be. Sometimes the tantrums get to me. Sometimes the constant demands make me want to scream. Sometimes the blatant disobedience is enraging. Sometimes the manipulation is annoying. And sometimes the guilt and self-loathing I feel is ALL I feel. I constantly find myself begging God to give me grace and patience because my sinful flesh tends to rear it's ugly head all too often. 

The weirdest part is that I see myself in her. I am constantly convicted of my own disobedience, stubbornness, need for control, and selfishness. Then I'm further convicted when I consider how God, my Father, deals with me. He's slow to anger and abounding in love. He is merciful and doesn't repay me according to my transgressions. I mean seriously this brings me to tears, because I realize how lacking I am. I am convinced that God calls people to adopt so that He can refine them and sanctify them. I'm grateful for this even though it's hard.

Yes, life with toddlers is hard and life with adopted toddlers is even harder. However, I truly AM thankful for this little monster. While she has brought a lot of challenges to our life, she has also brought so much joy. She's so hilarious. She's loving and affectionate. She makes the absolute best facial expressions. She likes to snuggle. She makes everyone smile. She sleeps through the night. She sings. She pretends she's a cat. She's so gosh darn cute... her in pig-tales.... oh man! Yes, I know one day I will miss her being this little. Life is short and she'll only be my little diva dictator for a little while.

I'll leave you with some of the good stuff. :)

 

Until next time! -K

"Annnnnnd Honeymoon Is Over!"

"How are things going," everyone inquires. "Things are going really well," I always reply. As a whole that's the truth... but that’s not necessarily the whole truth. Things ARE going really well, but “well” doesn’t equal “easy” all the time. I usually just say “things are going well,” because it’s the easiest and quickest answer that sums up our life post adoption right now.

Here’s the truth. I find myself in a strange place regarding how and what to share publicly, and I'm guessing this info limbo is one that a lot of adoptive and foster parents find themselves in because most tend to go with what’s safe and only share the cute, sweet, melt your heart kind of stuff, and I totally don’t blame them.  There's a part of me that wants to follow suit... a part of me that doesn't want to let go of any of the hard, ugly, touchy details and just keep everything but the good parts to ourselves.

First off, I don't ever want people to think that we regret our decision. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I often feel that if I express any of our struggles people will have a “well, you asked for this” mentality and frankly that's not helpful. We didn’t go into this adoption blindly. We knew what we were getting into and we would make the same decision again and again, because we believe it’s what God had planned for our family. We are married to this adoption... for better or worse. However, we also knew that we would need the support of our friends and family. We need people to know when we are struggling so that they can come up alongside us, encourage us, pray for us and point us to Christ when we loose our way.

I’m also cautious because I don't want people to view any of our children as trouble. All of our children are precious gifts from the Lord. They all have strengths and weaknesses. None of them are bad kids. None of them are trouble... well, maybe Rabina, she might be trouble. Haha! They all do things that drive me nuts, and they all have ways of melting my heart. I'm scared to share too much of the not so perfect reality, because I fear that people will view my children in negative light. They don't deserve that and I owe it to them to protect them.

However, for all of the reasons why we should keep some of the harsher realities to ourselves, I have a conviction to be as open as I can be (while still being careful) for several reasons.

I’ve tried to be real and honest in my posts on this blog and I want to continue doing that. In a world where we hide behind computer screens and only put forth the parts of our lives that make us look good, I believe it’s important for there to be people who are willing to be real and honest. I know how encouraged I am when others are brave enough to share their struggles, fears and failures and how they are growing, changing and overcoming. I hope others will read my posts and know they aren’t alone.

I also want to share openly for the benefit of those who might be interested in adopting. If potential adoptive parents only see adoption as a life full of smiles and giggles and hugs and that’s what they are signing up for, then they might as well be signing up for a unicorn ride to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Easy adoptions don't exist. Easy parenting doesn't exist so I know easy adoptions don't exist. I don’t want potential adoptive parents to be scared off, but I don’t want to shove rose colored glasses on their faces either. Honestly, I think the people who are really meant to adopt are the ones who can hear the bad and the good, the hard and the easy and are still convinced they should adopt.

Finally, I want others to witness how God redeems what is broken. Adoption is such a beautiful example of the gospel and I hope that as we share wounds and scars we will also be able to share how God has healed and bound up. We want him to receive the glory in our story not us.

Having said all that, I'm sure you are asking, “Sooooooo, how ARE things going?”

Well, I'm pretty sure the honeymoon period is over. Haha! Our life is crazy and fun and loud and often times very frustrating. Each day holds it’s own ups and downs. Some days have more ups and some days have more downs. Some days I feel like I do nothing but put out fires all day. I often feel like the worst mom on the planet, and sometimes, I wonder how my own flesh and blood kids could ever love me... much less the ones we snatched away from the only life they had ever known.

I expected to feel incredibly overwhelmed by the 150% increase in the number of kids in our family, but really the number of kids itself hasn’t been too bad. Of course we’ve had to find our new rhythm with mealtime and baths/dressing and getting out the door and bedtime. I honestly think adding three kids has been easier than adding a newborn because I don’t have to nurse anyone and we actually get some sleep.

If I had to pick the hardest thing in my life right now, it would be dealing with Asher. Asher is sweet as sugar. He’s my baby boy. I love him to pieces, but he is having a rough time right now. We’ve had some issues with him the last couple of years and I really see it as a blessing in disguise, because it prepared us a lot for adoption. Bless his little heart he has EV-ER-Y single symptom of ADHD, and I think his brain just runs a little hot, if you know what I mean. Adding three kids has added a lot of stimulation in his world and he has a very difficult time controlling and properly expressing his emotions. He is constantly policing the other kids (especially Rabina) which causes LOTS of issues as you can imagine. He stays in a semi or fully dis-regulated state about 80% of the time, and I gotta say that it is wearing this momma out. I’ve yelled and cried and given up about a thousand times over the last couple of weeks because it. Of course that brings on a ton of guilt. I’ve been working on a weighted blanket for him and I pray that helps but who knows. I’m also trying to teach him to recognize when he’s worked up and equip him with ways to self-regulate, but that seems pretty fruitless right now. I really wasn’t expecting one of my biological kids to be the hardest of the five. Adoption is always full of surprises.

The thing I’m struggling most with personally is having patience, kindness and long-suffering with the children (God continues to convict me about this), especially with Rabina. I was completely wrong about what she would be like. I don’t really know what I expected but I was not expecting her to be SO HIGH MAINTENANCE! If you crammed a 13 year old girl into a 3 year old's body you would have Rabina. Miss priss has major attitude and personality. She is clingy and independent at all the wrong times. She is probably one of the most stubborn children I’ve ever met. Luckily for her, she is also super cute. I feel completely bipolar with her. One minute she is the most adorable little creature alive and I can’t get enough of her precious little smooches, and then five minutes later my blood is boiling and I want to beat her with the sweet little shoes she just chucked at my head. Three is rotten age. It should just be skipped. Did I mention she’s cute, though?

Just so you can see what we are up against, here’s a picture of Rabina while we were at the mall today. Grammy picked up the other four kids to play, so I took advantage of temporarily not being outnumbered and finished up birthday shopping for Kashila and Khushboo. She was so good at the mall. She ate every bite of her Chick-Fil-A chicken, didn't try to grab too many things off shelves, and quietly enjoyed her ice cream while I strolled through shops looking for earrings that wouldn’t make our daughters look like hookers or rappers. 

I’ve gotten almost 100 likes on this photo on FB because she is so FREAKIN’ adorable!

But then we went to Publix to pick out a Barbie cake and a Cinderella cake. She made it through the ordering part but when we got in line she kicked her shoes off on purpose (I watched her do it so I know it was no accident). I started to put them in my purse but she objected saying she wanted her shoes. I told her I would put them back on but if she kicked them off again they would go in my purse. All was well until we were on our way out and then she took them off with her hands and dropped them... and smiled in defiance. I guess she technically didn't kick them off. As promised, the shoes went in my purse which thoroughly ticked her off. She was screaming and kicking. Then I had the gall to put her securely in her car seat. She may have cussed me out in Hindi by the looks of her face. She took her socks off and threw them at me (she has a really good arm btw). When that didn’t yield the results she was demanding this happened...

Yes, that sweet, precious, cutie from earlier turned into that! I'm pretty sure she would have preferred for that spit to be on me not her, but hey, that's just the risk you take.

And when she's not spitting she's doing this...

Then there’s quiet, shy, little Khushboo who threw a TWO HOUR meltdown last night. I’m not talking about a few sniffles and tears. I’m talking about thrashing, pinching, kicking, head butting  and LOTS of screaming... for TWO HOURS non-stop. All because we told her it was time to go to sleep and she couldn’t watch TV.

Yes, the honeymoon is over folks! :)

Until next time! -K

Reflections

Today is the the last day of one of the best years of my adult life. After a very rough and discouraging 2013 on almost all fronts, 2014 brought with it so much joy and blessing into our family. As I reflect over all that God has done, I am truly in awe of who He is and how much He loves us. 

On Christmas morning, as all FIVE of our children sat around the tree opening their gifts, I cried tears of happiness. All of our hopes and prayers over the last two years had come to this... two handsome sons and three beautiful daughters for us to treasure and love and share the world with. It was and is so wonderful.

 

 

It was a strange feeling, really – one I’ve had quite often since November 10th. Although, it’s actually an oddly familiar feeling. After giving birth to both of my boys, I would stare at them in disbelief that mere weeks before they were nesting within my own body – so close and intimate yet so unknown to me. It seemed weird that all of the waiting and pain was over in a single moment and they were in my arms. And in that moment it was as if that was all I had ever known. On one side of that moment I couldn’t fathom life with them in it and on the other side of that moment I couldn’t fathom life without them.

This was the same feeling that I had as I watched wrapping paper fly across the room and listened to little girls giggle over their new gifts. All our waiting and pain was over in that beautiful moment on November 10th, and here they were in our living room, no longer nesting in my heart but here with us, living and breathing. And it’s as if this is all I have ever known. 

 

I always wondered how I would love my adopted children. Not IF I could love them, but rather how it would compare to the love I have for my biological children. Surprisingly for some adoptive parents, the love they expected to have for their new children isn’t there automatically. Love isn’t always instant. Love grows as a result of relationship and the building of trust. While I believe we have a lot of room for our love to grow, I realized the other day that I truly love our girls in the same way I love our boys. I love them... truly and honestly, I love them. Sometimes, I almost forget they aren’t my own flesh and blood... then I walk into the grocery store and all the stares remind me. 

I think about how scared we were two years ago. We had so many fears of the unknown, but we couldn’t get away from the strong conviction that God was leading us to adopt. It was illogical and crazy, but we put our fears aside and took a risk for love. I’m so thankful we didn’t use our fears as excuses because we would have missed out on so much! 

I wonder how many people out there feel led to adopt or foster, but use their fears as excuses to put it off or just say “no” all together. I wonder how many children are waiting for their families to choose them over fear. 

I won’t pretend adoption is a bed of roses, because it’s not. Adoption is hard, gut wrenching and will expose your own sin and brokenness more than you can imagine. I actually plan to blog about some of the gritty details soon, because I believe it’s important to share the ugly, hard parts of adoption as well as the shiny, pretty ones. However, adoption is so beautiful, rewarding and faith building and I will never, for the rest of my life, stop advocating for families to rise up and answer the call of caring for children in need. 

My desire for 2015 is for more children to go from this...

to this...

Until next time! -K