Anxious About Everything

Just so you know, this post is probably more for me than anything. Sometimes I write posts just to get stuff off my mind, to put a date on what's going on and how I feel about it. You know... The Spin Cycle Diaries. Your mind is now blown I'm sure. ;-)

So, Kristian, how do you feel? I feel anxious... anxious about everything. If I made a list it would probably just make me even more anxious so I'm going to pass on that. I guess my biggest point of anxiety is the adoption. There are these three looming questions that have been really harassing me this morning: 

• Do you really have what it takes or are you fooling yourself? 
• Will God really provide?
• Is this whole thing just going to fall apart now that your heart is in it?

As I write out these questions, I can see now how they have an ugly little tag that reads "To: Kristian From: Lucifer" but it's so hard to notice that tag until I've already unpacked the questions and allowed that anxiety to sink in deep.

Asher saw me crying this morning and he asked, "Mommy, why are you crying?" I answered, "Mommy is kind of scared. Sometimes even mommies get scared," and that was the honest truth... sometimes mommies — sometimes I — get scared (of course "anxious" sounds less cowardly so we use that word).

Why do I have such trust issues with the One who has never failed me? Why is it so easy to forget what God has done for me in the past and trust that he will provide in the future?

When I read in the Old Testament about the Israelites, I always shake my head and think, "You people have such terrible memories! You watched God part the Red Sea and protect you with clouds and fire but yet here you are freaking out about what lies before you. Don't you have ANY faith in the God who has provided for you over and over again?"

I'm sorry Israelites, I was wrong to judge you so pridefully. I too have a terrible memory!

So, I sat here and stressed out for a while, but the Holy Spirit reminded me of a piece of scripture:

Phillippians 4:19 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

That's the verse that came to my mind and it was what I needed to hear, but as I turned to it, my eyes went upward and I started with verse 4:

Phillippians 4:4-8 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

THAT was what I REALLY needed to hear! 

So now let me answer those questions...

• Do you really have what it takes or are you fooling yourself? No, I don't have what it takes but God will be our strength. He will enable us to do what he has called us to do!
• Will God really provide? Yes, my God will supply every need. Even though it is hard to see how he can possibly provide what we need, he is faithful... he has always been faithful.
• Is this whole thing just going to fall apart now that your heart is in it? Even if it does and my heart breaks into tiny little pieces, Christ is enough. My hope is in Christ not in an adoption. Christ is enough.

Okay, I feel better now. Until next time. -K