Here’s the truth. I find myself in a strange place regarding how and what to share publicly, and I'm guessing this info limbo is one that a lot of adoptive and foster parents find themselves in because most tend to go with what’s safe and only share the cute, sweet, melt your heart kind of stuff, and I totally don’t blame them. There's a part of me that wants to follow suit... a part of me that doesn't want to let go of any of the hard, ugly, touchy details and just keep everything but the good parts to ourselves.
First off, I don't ever want people to think that we regret our decision. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I often feel that if I express any of our struggles people will have a “well, you asked for this” mentality and frankly that's not helpful. We didn’t go into this adoption blindly. We knew what we were getting into and we would make the same decision again and again, because we believe it’s what God had planned for our family. We are married to this adoption... for better or worse. However, we also knew that we would need the support of our friends and family. We need people to know when we are struggling so that they can come up alongside us, encourage us, pray for us and point us to Christ when we loose our way.
I’m also cautious because I don't want people to view any of our children as trouble. All of our children are precious gifts from the Lord. They all have strengths and weaknesses. None of them are bad kids. None of them are trouble... well, maybe Rabina, she might be trouble. Haha! They all do things that drive me nuts, and they all have ways of melting my heart. I'm scared to share too much of the not so perfect reality, because I fear that people will view my children in negative light. They don't deserve that and I owe it to them to protect them.
However, for all of the reasons why we should keep some of the harsher realities to ourselves, I have a conviction to be as open as I can be (while still being careful) for several reasons.
I’ve tried to be real and honest in my posts on this blog and I want to continue doing that. In a world where we hide behind computer screens and only put forth the parts of our lives that make us look good, I believe it’s important for there to be people who are willing to be real and honest. I know how encouraged I am when others are brave enough to share their struggles, fears and failures and how they are growing, changing and overcoming. I hope others will read my posts and know they aren’t alone.
I also want to share openly for the benefit of those who might be interested in adopting. If potential adoptive parents only see adoption as a life full of smiles and giggles and hugs and that’s what they are signing up for, then they might as well be signing up for a unicorn ride to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Easy adoptions don't exist. Easy parenting doesn't exist so I know easy adoptions don't exist. I don’t want potential adoptive parents to be scared off, but I don’t want to shove rose colored glasses on their faces either. Honestly, I think the people who are really meant to adopt are the ones who can hear the bad and the good, the hard and the easy and are still convinced they should adopt.
Finally, I want others to witness how God redeems what is broken. Adoption is such a beautiful example of the gospel and I hope that as we share wounds and scars we will also be able to share how God has healed and bound up. We want him to receive the glory in our story not us.
Having said all that, I'm sure you are asking, “Sooooooo, how ARE things going?”
Well, I'm pretty sure the honeymoon period is over. Haha! Our life is crazy and fun and loud and often times very frustrating. Each day holds it’s own ups and downs. Some days have more ups and some days have more downs. Some days I feel like I do nothing but put out fires all day. I often feel like the worst mom on the planet, and sometimes, I wonder how my own flesh and blood kids could ever love me... much less the ones we snatched away from the only life they had ever known.
I expected to feel incredibly overwhelmed by the 150% increase in the number of kids in our family, but really the number of kids itself hasn’t been too bad. Of course we’ve had to find our new rhythm with mealtime and baths/dressing and getting out the door and bedtime. I honestly think adding three kids has been easier than adding a newborn because I don’t have to nurse anyone and we actually get some sleep.
If I had to pick the hardest thing in my life right now, it would be dealing with Asher. Asher is sweet as sugar. He’s my baby boy. I love him to pieces, but he is having a rough time right now. We’ve had some issues with him the last couple of years and I really see it as a blessing in disguise, because it prepared us a lot for adoption. Bless his little heart he has EV-ER-Y single symptom of ADHD, and I think his brain just runs a little hot, if you know what I mean. Adding three kids has added a lot of stimulation in his world and he has a very difficult time controlling and properly expressing his emotions. He is constantly policing the other kids (especially Rabina) which causes LOTS of issues as you can imagine. He stays in a semi or fully dis-regulated state about 80% of the time, and I gotta say that it is wearing this momma out. I’ve yelled and cried and given up about a thousand times over the last couple of weeks because it. Of course that brings on a ton of guilt. I’ve been working on a weighted blanket for him and I pray that helps but who knows. I’m also trying to teach him to recognize when he’s worked up and equip him with ways to self-regulate, but that seems pretty fruitless right now. I really wasn’t expecting one of my biological kids to be the hardest of the five. Adoption is always full of surprises.
The thing I’m struggling most with personally is having patience, kindness and long-suffering with the children (God continues to convict me about this), especially with Rabina. I was completely wrong about what she would be like. I don’t really know what I expected but I was not expecting her to be SO HIGH MAINTENANCE! If you crammed a 13 year old girl into a 3 year old's body you would have Rabina. Miss priss has major attitude and personality. She is clingy and independent at all the wrong times. She is probably one of the most stubborn children I’ve ever met. Luckily for her, she is also super cute. I feel completely bipolar with her. One minute she is the most adorable little creature alive and I can’t get enough of her precious little smooches, and then five minutes later my blood is boiling and I want to beat her with the sweet little shoes she just chucked at my head. Three is rotten age. It should just be skipped. Did I mention she’s cute, though?
Just so you can see what we are up against, here’s a picture of Rabina while we were at the mall today. Grammy picked up the other four kids to play, so I took advantage of temporarily not being outnumbered and finished up birthday shopping for Kashila and Khushboo. She was so good at the mall. She ate every bite of her Chick-Fil-A chicken, didn't try to grab too many things off shelves, and quietly enjoyed her ice cream while I strolled through shops looking for earrings that wouldn’t make our daughters look like hookers or rappers.
I’ve gotten almost 100 likes on this photo on FB because she is so FREAKIN’ adorable!
But then we went to Publix to pick out a Barbie cake and a Cinderella cake. She made it through the ordering part but when we got in line she kicked her shoes off on purpose (I watched her do it so I know it was no accident). I started to put them in my purse but she objected saying she wanted her shoes. I told her I would put them back on but if she kicked them off again they would go in my purse. All was well until we were on our way out and then she took them off with her hands and dropped them... and smiled in defiance. I guess she technically didn't kick them off. As promised, the shoes went in my purse which thoroughly ticked her off. She was screaming and kicking. Then I had the gall to put her securely in her car seat. She may have cussed me out in Hindi by the looks of her face. She took her socks off and threw them at me (she has a really good arm btw). When that didn’t yield the results she was demanding this happened...
Yes, that sweet, precious, cutie from earlier turned into that! I'm pretty sure she would have preferred for that spit to be on me not her, but hey, that's just the risk you take.
And when she's not spitting she's doing this...
Then there’s quiet, shy, little Khushboo who threw a TWO HOUR meltdown last night. I’m not talking about a few sniffles and tears. I’m talking about thrashing, pinching, kicking, head butting and LOTS of screaming... for TWO HOURS non-stop. All because we told her it was time to go to sleep and she couldn’t watch TV.
Yes, the honeymoon is over folks! :)
Until next time! -K
