After being with our girls for three months, I have a suggestion to ALL the adoption experts out there who write books, put together seminars, create videos and write articles....
You NEED to dedicate and entire chapter, session, video or whatever to the subject of "how to deal with adopted toddlers" and maybe even one for "the survival techniques for living with FEMALE adopted toddlers". Despite all the training we went through to prepare ourselves for parenting our adopted kids I feel like I was least prepared for the little diva dictator who ran into my arms on November 10th (aka Rabina). I thought she would be the easy one. *Maniacal laughing and knee slapping*
I remember seeing this picture for the first time and saying "If she will never stop kissing me with those sweet little lips she can have all the chocolate her heart desires." Ok well, that was a load of crap. She most certainly cannot have all the chocolate her heart desires, because her heart desires chocolate about 90% of the time. And while I do LOVE her kisses, I've realized she uses those sweet little lips to manipulate (God help us when she becomes a teen). In fact, just as I was typing this blog, I had to tell her to stop trying to open her sisters' body wash. She climbed into my lab while I was telling her this and kept interrupting me with kisses so that I would stop telling her what she didn't want to hear. Seriously, she is so not like that shy, baby-ish, little girl I made up in my head.
Admittedly, I remember 3 being not so fun with Brayden and Asher. I'm no stranger to the terrible twos or the tyrannical threes, but apparently when you throw ovaries and adoption into the mix it's a completely differentballgame ballet. I mean what the heck? So all you people who said "Oh wow! You will have your hands full!"... you weren't even talking about the fact that we would have five kids! You were solely talking about the fact that we would have a female toddler! It's called clarification, people! CLARIFICATION!
I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago as I chatted with a fellow adoptive mom who is also learning that she is living under the dictatorship of a threenager (I was informed this was the proper term after my last blog post). Parenting an adopted toddler is harder than parenting a biological toddler for many reasons, but I believe this is the key reason: You didn't ease into toddler life.
When you have a biological child, you watch that precious baby grow and go through all the stages. You go through the sleepless nights, the transition to being mobile, the teething, the separation anxiety, and eventually after a couple of years you ease into toddler life. Toddlers are loud, they are bossy, they are opinionated, they are demanding, they are fast, they are devious, they are hilarious, they are cute and they are so many other things. But no matter what challenges you face with your biological toddler, you have the previous years as a foundation. You've nurtured them, rocked them, spoiled them, met every need and built a trusting and loving relationship. So, when they turn into a toddler you can deal with it fairly well.
With an adopted toddler, you have none of that. You haven't watched them blossom and grow from a itty bitty little baby. Nope, one day you don't have a toddler and the next day you absolutely, undeniably have a toddler – a toddler who has learned that screaming, hitting and spitting are adequate ways to get needs met, a toddler who has been basically dropped into a family where there are rules to break and boundaries to push and oh so many ways to get attention (bad and good). And you? You're completely blindsided (no matter how prepared you thought you were) and instantly plunged into life with a toddler you've had no relationship with. That makes things a lot harder.
In all honesty, I find myself really struggling with Rabina. It's hard. I want so bad for things to be like the fantasy in my head, where we are perfectly bonded and best buds (you know because she's the easy one) but they aren't. This cute little girl has flipped my life upside down and as much as I love her, sometimes I'm not as loving as I would like to be and know I should be. Sometimes the tantrums get to me. Sometimes the constant demands make me want to scream. Sometimes the blatant disobedience is enraging. Sometimes the manipulation is annoying. And sometimes the guilt and self-loathing I feel is ALL I feel. I constantly find myself begging God to give me grace and patience because my sinful flesh tends to rear it's ugly head all too often.
The weirdest part is that I see myself in her. I am constantly convicted of my own disobedience, stubbornness, need for control, and selfishness. Then I'm further convicted when I consider how God, my Father, deals with me. He's slow to anger and abounding in love. He is merciful and doesn't repay me according to my transgressions. I mean seriously this brings me to tears, because I realize how lacking I am. I am convinced that God calls people to adopt so that He can refine them and sanctify them. I'm grateful for this even though it's hard.
Yes, life with toddlers is hard and life with adopted toddlers is even harder. However, I truly AM thankful for this little monster. While she has brought a lot of challenges to our life, she has also brought so much joy. She's so hilarious. She's loving and affectionate. She makes the absolute best facial expressions. She likes to snuggle. She makes everyone smile. She sleeps through the night. She sings. She pretends she's a cat. She's so gosh darn cute... her in pig-tales.... oh man! Yes, I know one day I will miss her being this little. Life is short and she'll only be my little diva dictator for a little while.
I'll leave you with some of the good stuff. :)
Until next time! -K
You NEED to dedicate and entire chapter, session, video or whatever to the subject of "how to deal with adopted toddlers" and maybe even one for "the survival techniques for living with FEMALE adopted toddlers". Despite all the training we went through to prepare ourselves for parenting our adopted kids I feel like I was least prepared for the little diva dictator who ran into my arms on November 10th (aka Rabina). I thought she would be the easy one. *Maniacal laughing and knee slapping*
I remember seeing this picture for the first time and saying "If she will never stop kissing me with those sweet little lips she can have all the chocolate her heart desires." Ok well, that was a load of crap. She most certainly cannot have all the chocolate her heart desires, because her heart desires chocolate about 90% of the time. And while I do LOVE her kisses, I've realized she uses those sweet little lips to manipulate (God help us when she becomes a teen). In fact, just as I was typing this blog, I had to tell her to stop trying to open her sisters' body wash. She climbed into my lab while I was telling her this and kept interrupting me with kisses so that I would stop telling her what she didn't want to hear. Seriously, she is so not like that shy, baby-ish, little girl I made up in my head.
Admittedly, I remember 3 being not so fun with Brayden and Asher. I'm no stranger to the terrible twos or the tyrannical threes, but apparently when you throw ovaries and adoption into the mix it's a completely different
I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago as I chatted with a fellow adoptive mom who is also learning that she is living under the dictatorship of a threenager (I was informed this was the proper term after my last blog post). Parenting an adopted toddler is harder than parenting a biological toddler for many reasons, but I believe this is the key reason: You didn't ease into toddler life.
When you have a biological child, you watch that precious baby grow and go through all the stages. You go through the sleepless nights, the transition to being mobile, the teething, the separation anxiety, and eventually after a couple of years you ease into toddler life. Toddlers are loud, they are bossy, they are opinionated, they are demanding, they are fast, they are devious, they are hilarious, they are cute and they are so many other things. But no matter what challenges you face with your biological toddler, you have the previous years as a foundation. You've nurtured them, rocked them, spoiled them, met every need and built a trusting and loving relationship. So, when they turn into a toddler you can deal with it fairly well.
With an adopted toddler, you have none of that. You haven't watched them blossom and grow from a itty bitty little baby. Nope, one day you don't have a toddler and the next day you absolutely, undeniably have a toddler – a toddler who has learned that screaming, hitting and spitting are adequate ways to get needs met, a toddler who has been basically dropped into a family where there are rules to break and boundaries to push and oh so many ways to get attention (bad and good). And you? You're completely blindsided (no matter how prepared you thought you were) and instantly plunged into life with a toddler you've had no relationship with. That makes things a lot harder.
In all honesty, I find myself really struggling with Rabina. It's hard. I want so bad for things to be like the fantasy in my head, where we are perfectly bonded and best buds (you know because she's the easy one) but they aren't. This cute little girl has flipped my life upside down and as much as I love her, sometimes I'm not as loving as I would like to be and know I should be. Sometimes the tantrums get to me. Sometimes the constant demands make me want to scream. Sometimes the blatant disobedience is enraging. Sometimes the manipulation is annoying. And sometimes the guilt and self-loathing I feel is ALL I feel. I constantly find myself begging God to give me grace and patience because my sinful flesh tends to rear it's ugly head all too often.
The weirdest part is that I see myself in her. I am constantly convicted of my own disobedience, stubbornness, need for control, and selfishness. Then I'm further convicted when I consider how God, my Father, deals with me. He's slow to anger and abounding in love. He is merciful and doesn't repay me according to my transgressions. I mean seriously this brings me to tears, because I realize how lacking I am. I am convinced that God calls people to adopt so that He can refine them and sanctify them. I'm grateful for this even though it's hard.
Yes, life with toddlers is hard and life with adopted toddlers is even harder. However, I truly AM thankful for this little monster. While she has brought a lot of challenges to our life, she has also brought so much joy. She's so hilarious. She's loving and affectionate. She makes the absolute best facial expressions. She likes to snuggle. She makes everyone smile. She sleeps through the night. She sings. She pretends she's a cat. She's so gosh darn cute... her in pig-tales.... oh man! Yes, I know one day I will miss her being this little. Life is short and she'll only be my little diva dictator for a little while.
I'll leave you with some of the good stuff. :)
Until next time! -K
Whoohoo!!! Finally a new post!! I love you guys!!!
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