The first weekend in March, I was able to get away for a conference/retreat for adoptive and foster mommas. It's called Created For Care and is all the rage in the adoption community. I had signed up for it back in August, because you have to register within the first 10 minutes that they open registration or you won't get in. I wasn't even sure I would be able to go since we didn't know when we would be traveling to get our girls and we certainly didn't know how things would be once they were home. I signed up just in case.
Anyways, obviously I made it, and it was wonderful. It wasn't one of those conferences where you walk away glassy-eyed and mouth open, because your brain just took an entire college course in a single day. No, it was pretty easy going with things like karaoke and craft making mixed in. There were some sessions that were heavier than others, but honestly, I got just what I needed... a break. I had almost two whole days free of anyone calling my name, hitting their brother, pooping in their pants, etc. It gave me a lot of time to step back and assess the last few months of our new life.
While I had time to clear my mind and recharge my batteries, I came to grips with what I had already slowly started to realize over the last couple of months... my biggest issues with our adoption transition are my own personal issues. My selfishness. My insecurity. My need for control. My lack of self-control. Me... it's me.
All my expectations of how life would be hard and overwhelming once our girls came home had mainly revolved around our kids issues (whatever those might be). I thought THEY would be the hard part. While they do have their own issues (all five of them), that's not really the hard part. I am the hard part. I am my own problem.
Never in all my life have I related so much to Paul's words in Romans 7. He says,
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."
That's me! I know in my head all the things I should and shouldn't do, but yet I continue to do all the wrong things and not do the right things. I've never been as well acquainted with my own sin and weaknesses and shortcomings as I am now.
Sometimes, I lay in bed at night completely discouraged by myself as I replay all of my mistakes from the day, and I just want to run away... from me. I lay there, gritting my teeth, swearing to myself that tomorrow will be different. I will be different tomorrow. And at the end of that tomorrow I'm laying in the same bed once again completely discouraged by myself.
I often wonder why God chose me to be the mother of these kids (even the ones I birthed) because so often I feel like they deserve better than me. Somebody who has it all together. Somebody who doesn't lose their temper. Somebody who can spend all day playing with their kids and still keep the house tidy. Somebody who naturally smiles and laughs all the time. Somebody who can really loosen up and be fun and carefree. Somebody who is more disciplined and organized. Somebody better.
But I can't forget my own theology that God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't say "Whoops!" His plan is perfect, and for those who love Him it is ultimately for their good and His glory. I know that our family is divinely designed, and that design, for whatever reason, includes this broken and sinful mom full of weaknesses and shortcomings. I may never know why He chose this life for me or me for this life, but I know I can trust Him. I have to trust Him.
I wish I could say that I have found the perfect formula to help me overcome my problem of "me" – some special scripture to write on the mirror, some secret schedule to help me start my day off right, some awesome book that spells everything out – but I can't because I haven't. The only thing that I have found to cling to is this...
His mercies are new every morning. He is my portion. I just need more and more of him until there's less and less of me. <--HOPE
Until next time. -K
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| My roommates Rachel and Natasha! Love these girls! |
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| Natasha and I took a wreath making session. |
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| All the India Moms! |
While I had time to clear my mind and recharge my batteries, I came to grips with what I had already slowly started to realize over the last couple of months... my biggest issues with our adoption transition are my own personal issues. My selfishness. My insecurity. My need for control. My lack of self-control. Me... it's me.
All my expectations of how life would be hard and overwhelming once our girls came home had mainly revolved around our kids issues (whatever those might be). I thought THEY would be the hard part. While they do have their own issues (all five of them), that's not really the hard part. I am the hard part. I am my own problem.
Never in all my life have I related so much to Paul's words in Romans 7. He says,
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."
That's me! I know in my head all the things I should and shouldn't do, but yet I continue to do all the wrong things and not do the right things. I've never been as well acquainted with my own sin and weaknesses and shortcomings as I am now.
Sometimes, I lay in bed at night completely discouraged by myself as I replay all of my mistakes from the day, and I just want to run away... from me. I lay there, gritting my teeth, swearing to myself that tomorrow will be different. I will be different tomorrow. And at the end of that tomorrow I'm laying in the same bed once again completely discouraged by myself.
I often wonder why God chose me to be the mother of these kids (even the ones I birthed) because so often I feel like they deserve better than me. Somebody who has it all together. Somebody who doesn't lose their temper. Somebody who can spend all day playing with their kids and still keep the house tidy. Somebody who naturally smiles and laughs all the time. Somebody who can really loosen up and be fun and carefree. Somebody who is more disciplined and organized. Somebody better.
But I can't forget my own theology that God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't say "Whoops!" His plan is perfect, and for those who love Him it is ultimately for their good and His glory. I know that our family is divinely designed, and that design, for whatever reason, includes this broken and sinful mom full of weaknesses and shortcomings. I may never know why He chose this life for me or me for this life, but I know I can trust Him. I have to trust Him.
I wish I could say that I have found the perfect formula to help me overcome my problem of "me" – some special scripture to write on the mirror, some secret schedule to help me start my day off right, some awesome book that spells everything out – but I can't because I haven't. The only thing that I have found to cling to is this...
So I say "My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the Lord."
Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gal!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
Lamentations 3:18-24
His mercies are new every morning. He is my portion. I just need more and more of him until there's less and less of me. <--HOPE
Until next time. -K
